Seasons

There are flowers blooming beside my mailbox. I saw them the other day and I just smiled. Flowers? In February? Seasons are funny like that in the South. Often you can experience more than one in the same week, turning your thermostat from heating to air conditioning in the same day. I'll be honest, Winter is number 4 on my list of favorite seasons, so the sight of these early bloomers was exciting to me. I love watching the deadness and dreariness of Winter turn slowly into the life and vibrancy of Spring. The pop of color was a welcome sight...a reminder that God makes all things new in His time.

Like the ever-changing weather, our lives experience seasons too. There are seasons of joy or sorrow. Seasons of pain and seasons of healing. Sometimes we experience seasons with relationships or jobs, callings and activities. In truth, our lives are a series of seasons, ever-changing, ever-moving, ever-growing. And sometimes we welcome the change of season, grateful that we are moving from Winter to Spring. And other times, we don't want the season to end...clinging tightly to it. Hoping for one more day to bask in the sun before the chilly autumn breezes begin to blow.

However, just like the weather, we are not in control of these changes that occur. We can cling with all of our might to the Summer seasons, but they will inevitably change to the coolness of Fall. I'm personally not a fan of change. As a result, I often will stay in a season long after the Lord has prompted me to move on. Or at times, I will refuse to even hear His gentle leading because its not what I want to do. In those moments, the Lord in His grace and sovereignty has then forced me out of that season. And this has never been pleasant.

I find that when He has to forcibly pry my grip from something, usually the result is painful. Usually it hurts. Usually it stings. Although I am young (ish), I have lived long enough to know that when the Lord prunes something out of my life, however painful it might be at the time, it is because He is making room for me to grow. He is removing the dead things that will hold me back and inevitably choke the life out of me if they were to stay. I know this, but still it hurts.

And so, I trust Him. I trust Him through the pain. Through the changes that I so long to resist. Through the Winter seasons. I trust Him. Knowing that the Winter gives birth to Spring. That this season too will change. The He has something better and more beautiful in mind as He prunes my life, preparing me for the growth of Spring.

So today, I am thankful for the flowers. Thankful for the glimpse that sometimes Winter doesn't last as long as we think it will. Thankful for the glimpse of beauty and grace in God's sovereignty. For at just the right time, His right time, He makes all things new.

One of those days

This past Friday was just one of those days. You know the type. The kind where when you finally lay your head on the pillow at the end of the day , you are absolutely disgusted with yourself for all the ways that you messed up. Usually when I have one of those days its because I have failed to begin the day with the Lord. So rather than being filled with the Spirit, I am full of myself...and that never goes well. Friday was one of those days.

To be honest, I have those days more often than I would care to admit. I am pretty good at having it all together on the outside even when things are a mess inside. I can slap on a cute outfit and a smile, say all the right things and everything appears to be just great. When in reality, I woke up late, yelled at my children and pouted because things weren't going my way.

Its so easy for us as women, especially Christian women, to fall into the trap of always trying to appear perfect. We don't want people to see our sins, our flaws and our weaknesses. We do our best to mask the ugliness in our hearts, to hide the very reality that we profess to be true as Christians, that we all fall short, that we're all sinners.

When I do my best to hide the fact that I am NOT perfect that I DON'T have it all together, that I DO mess up, then I how am I pointing people to Jesus? Constantly appearing as if I have everything under control actually undermines the power of the cross, the beauty of grace, and the peace in surrender.

Now, I am not advocating walking around like a hot mess all the time, airing your dirty laundry or constantly complaining. None of those things brings Glory and honor to God either. But what I am saying is that its okay to let people see the real me, the imperfect one. The one who loses my temper with my children. The one who forgets to do my quiet time on a busy day. The one who has far too many opinions and is too quick to speak. When people see my shortcomings and my failures, then I can more readily point them to Jesus, the only perfect one, who forgives all my sins, who redeems all my mistakes,and who intercedes on my behalf to the Father.

Yes, we should strive daily to be more like Jesus. Yes, we should be rooted in God's word and prayer. Yes, we should try to present our lives as an offering, holy and pleasing to the Lord. Yes, we should encourage other believers by our words and actions. But we should also share in one another's struggles, bear one another's burdens and walk faithfully along side one another as we imperfectly travel the path to sanctification. When we open up ourselves to this type of vulnerability, then true Christian fellowship can occur.

Yes, Friday was one of those days. I pray that as I grow in my faith that those days become fewer and farther in between. But since I know that they will come inevitably due to my sin, I am all the more thankful for the grace of Jesus, that covers all my sins. And hopefully, instead of seeing me, people will see that grace and be drawn to it and to the One who provides it.

One word

Just before the new year, I was listening to K-Love while taking down my Christmas decorations. That day on the broadcast, they were inviting people to call in with a word that they hoped would define their year in 2012. I was immediately intrigued by this idea for a couple of reasons. First, I love words. Adverbs and adjectives are usually my favorite. I love how you can add one word to a sentence and totally change the idea being presented. I love how words create images in our minds and even feelings when we read them. (In case you had any doubts before about what a complete nerd I am, I am sure they are all erased at this point!) Anyway, the second reason is I also like the idea of setting expectations and goals for the year ahead. I am a classic New Year's resolution kind of girl. I love evaluating where I've been in the past and setting goals for what's ahead. I frequently do this, not just at the first of the year.

This idea of picking a word for the new year also came up just a few days later on one of my favorite blogger's websites www.aholyexperience.com. Now, I need to stop here and tell you that if this interests you that you should definitely check out this blog post. However, please do so after you finish reading here. The author of this blog is an incredibly talented writer and her word for the year is Greek. Seriously...Greek. I can in no way begin to compete with that. I mean, I know a few Spanish words, but they are mostly nouns like dog, girl and bathroom, so I am pretty sure they would not be very good "themes" for my 2012!

So, since it came up twice, I thought it would be great idea to find a word that I would like to be my "theme" for 2012. It has taken me since the 1st to finally settle on one that I think encompasses what my true hopes are for the year ahead. Choosing just one word is hard. If you know me at all, you know that I am a girl of many words and love to talk and express myself, so just one word almost seemed impossible to me. I wanted it to be something that could apply to all facets of my life, something that could pertain to many different areas. I thought about what my goals were for 2012, personal, spiritual, physical, familial, etc... and nothing seemed to fit.

After giving it a lot of thought, I decided maybe the easier course of action would be to look back on 2011 and try to pick a word that best defined it. Maybe in the looking back, I would be able to see more clearly ahead. (Don't worry. There is a word for 2012!) When I started thinking about it, I became overwhelmed at how much our lives have changed over the scope of just one year. This time last year, Matt was still working at Clearvision, waiting to see where God was going to call him to serve Him in ministry. I was still teaching at Southlake, wrestling with the unsettling feeling that something just wasn't quite working for our family. We were still living in Concord, praying desperately for God to move us to Huntersville, yet knowing the call might come from Him to move somewhere else for ministry. Last year at this time our lives looked completely different. Now, Matt is serving as a full-time youth pastor at our home church, Lake Norman Baptist...in Huntersville. And, I am now a full-time homeschool mom. Life couldn't be more different or more rewarding. The Lord led us through those uncertain, unsettling days into a place of blessing, but it wasn't always easy. There were many times where we would look at each other and say, "This just doesn't make sense" or "How in the world is this going to work?" ( we even had other people say those exact words to us as well!)and yet every time we felt the Lord saying, "Just trust me". And so, we did.

2011 was in my opinion a year of "faith". That would be my word for last year. God asking us to step out in faith and obedience even when things seemed unclear or uncertain...to trust Him, put our faith in Him, not in external circumstances.

Looking back over what the Lord has done in our lives in such a short time caused me to think. Who am I to "pick" a word or decide what I think the year ahead should look like? Left to myself, my plans and my ways, I am sure 2012 would end up being a complete disaster. But, left in His Sovereign hands, it will be amazing. Maybe not easy. Maybe not comfortable. But it will be right. It will be right for us because He knows the plans He has for us and they are good. (Jer. 29:11) Besides no matter what I plan , it is ultimately His plans and purposes that will prevail (Prov. 21) And they will be much better then anything I can come up with on my own. And I want to embrace that. I want to surrender, yes that's my word for 2012, to all that He has planned for me, for my family, for my life. No matter what that looks like. No matter if it's hard. No matter if it isn't what I had planned. Because I can trust that anything that comes to my life in 2012, both good and bad, has first been filtered through the Sovereign Hands of God. Romans 8:28 tells us that God is working in all things for the good of those who love Him. And He knows what is good for me. Not good in an earthly sense. But good in the sense that it will help to conform me to the likeness of Christ. (Rom 8:29) And that is the best thing.

So, this year I will do my best to rebel against the planner in me and instead choose to surrender. Surrender daily to Him, dying to myself and seeking His will and His plans above my own. And I hope that when 2012 comes to a close, I will be able to look back and see that it was characterized by walking and living in a place of true surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in my life. (And maybe the study of another language, so that next year's word can sound really important!)

Jesus is calling...

Recently I attended a Christmas concert at my home church in Statesville,NC. I grew up in this church from the time I was a baby until I went off to college. As we were pulling into the parking lot, Grace said, "Wow, Mom, you must have a lot of happy memories here." And I had to agree that it was true. I had many happy memories inside the doors of that church. And as I thought about it, I realized that it is one of the few places in my hometown that I can honestly say that about it.

Now, I know that a lot of people love going home to the place where they grew up. They love recounting events from their past and passing by places that bring back warm memories. But, I have to say that I do not have any tender or nostalgic feelings toward my hometown. No, in fact, it is exactly the opposite. I actually almost dread returning to visit for any reason at all. Every time I drive into town, I can feel myself beginning to feel anxious. You see, it wasn't exactly a happy place for me. From a childhood tarnished by a broken family, to a youth lived in rebellion and disobedience, my experiences there were mostly anything but warm and fuzzy. I do feel like I need to clarify that I realize that coming from a divorced family is nowhere near as bad as the childhood many experience and my parents were very loving, Christian parents. But I also feel like we do a great disservice when we try to minimalize the impact divorce can have on children just because it is so prevalent within our society. Believe me, I know. I lived it firsthand.

"Home" is not exactly a happy place for me. So, why does this one place, this one building differ from every other one in this small, southern town? I think because it was here that I first felt the hand of God in my life, relentlessly loving and pursuing me...in all my brokenness, heartache and shame. It was here that He persisted in showing me the truth of who He is in so many ways, even if I didn't see it at the time.

As I sat in the pews at the concert, so many feelings washed over me. There were the same sights, sounds, and smells of my childhood. There were even some of the same faces in the choir. Things that had been constant, faithful, unchanging in a little life that had felt so unstable and insecure. I could remember being a little girl, sitting with my Daddy in those pews, listening to the words of the hymns and letting them calm my spirit, even if just for a few minutes, with reminders that God, like the faces in the choir, was unchanging too. "Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me."; "Are you weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer".

I think it was there in that church that I began to love music. It was there that I fell in love with the lyrics to songs and saw the power that they had to calm and minister to my weary soul. As a teenager, those same songs would carry a different message. " Come home, come home, ye who are weary, come home. Earnestly, tenderly Jesus is calling. Calling, Oh sinner come home" , To the wounded and self-destructive teenager, these words were a constant reminder that Jesus was faithful to forgive, to heal and redeem...all I had to do was come and lay it all at the foot of His cross.

So, I sat there listening to the choir sing. And as the music played I heard my Savior sweetly whispering in my spirit, "It is well". No longer broken, like that little girl of long ago. No longer captive like the teenage girl. Restored, renewed, redeemed. Jesus has made me whole. And I knew that He had always been there, holding me through it all. The music reminded me that He was indeed the faithful one, relentlessly pursuing me through all the hurt and brokenness. And that He was the One who had made all things new. And I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that He is such a wonderful, merciful Savior. Overwhelmed at how He loves me. " And Oh, how He loves us so. Oh how He loves us. How He loves us so"

So, whatever season you may currently be in right now in your life, He is there. He is faithful. He is calling...earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling...

Storybook lessons

As a former English teacher, it should come as no surprise that I love to read. I love everything about books, the way they feel in my hands, the smell of the pages, the limitless possibilities for the imagination contained between the two covers. Lately my favorite books to read are actually books that I bought to read to my children as our family 'read alouds'. They are simple books- books that probably both of my children could read on their own, and yet they have impacted me much more than I ever anticipated. I bought these books with the idea that they would serve as a great resource for some family togetherness while at the same time teaching my kids about real men and women of faith. Little did I know that perhaps God had a different purpose in mind and that I was in fact the one who would learn a valuable lesson from these books. They are the Christian Heroes: Then and Now series.

If you aren't familiar with these books, they are a series of books written about some of the greatest men and women of the Christian faith, heroes as the title suggest, who boldly and obediently served Jesus. Men and women like Amy Carmichael, Jim Elliot, Corrie Ten Boom, Nate Saint, Gladys Alward, Hudson Taylor and George Muller are just a few of the stories told. Recently I just finished reading the biography of Nate Saint. He was the pilot who bravely went into the Ecuadorian jungle with the more famous Jim Elliot to take the gospel to the unreached tribe of the "Auca" Indians. Most people probably know that it was there that these 2 men and 3 others lost their lives, speared by the hands of the people they were so desperate to save.

Like most believers, I was familiar with this story before I read it. I had read other accounts by Elisabeth Elliot (Jim's wife) and various other authors and had always been profoundly impacted by this tale of heroism for the sake of the gospel. But as I finished reading the book, I felt a quiet unrest deep within my spirit. You see, Nate Saint had a wife and 3 small children. I couldn't help but put myself in the shoes of Marj Saint or Elisabeth Elliot...kissing my husband good-bye, knowing full well the risk that he was taking, that I may never again see his face on this side of eternity, that my children might have to grow up without their father. Or what about Hudson Taylor, the missionary committed to taking the gospel to the foreign territory of inland China. There he buried several of his children and his wife, lost to tropical diseases that they otherwise wouldn't have suffered if they had stayed in America.

As I thought about these things, the now famous quote of Jim Elliot kept going through my mind , "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose". This quote hung on my classroom wall for two years, and now for the first time, I felt the heavy weight of it. And I thought to myself, what am I "giving" for the sake of the gospel? If I am completely honest, I am not sure that I would willingly give the life of my husband or children. In fact, I spend a lot of time in prayer asking God for exactly the opposite. "Please keep them safe, please protect them, please watch over them" are things that I petition the Lord for on a regular basis. How does one get to the point of being willing to place all things, even the things and people most dear to us, on the altar before the Lord in total and complete surrender. "Not my will, but yours be done"....whatever that looks like, whatever that means, whatever it costs.

We reason with ourselves that God doesn't ask that much of us all. He only wants some people to go into the mission field, or sell all their possessions. No, He doesn't ask that of us all...only special people, called for a specific purpose. I mean, He couldn't possibly want me to endure hardship or to suffer. But isn't this in fact the very thing Jesus demands of all His followers in Mark 9 where he says," If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lost it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it"? Take up your cross, lose your life. He doesn't say you may have to in order to follow Him, he says you MUST. He doesn't say to be my disciple you should say a prayer, walk an aisle and then sit in comfort and complacency. He says in essence, you must die. Just like He demanded of Nate Saint and Jim Elliott, just like He demanded of Hudson Taylor, he demands the very same thing of all who come after Him. You must give me everything.

So how does one get to that place? That place of total surrender..."Here, Lord, it's all Yours. You can have it all...whatever You ask, I will give up for the sake of the gospel." I so want to be in that place. I so want to be able to see things from a heavenly perspective. Knowing that there is nothing in this world, and I mean nothing, more valuable than knowing Christ and living boldly and radically for Him. I think (and this is just my best guess at this point) that perhaps it starts with a daily obedience to this call placed on us a believers. Today I will choose to die to myself. Today I will choose to give up things of the world in exchange for things with real value...whatever that looks like for each individual believer. Daily obedience to the commands of God, committed to knowing Him more deeply through the study of His word and prayer, and through that He begins to change us. He begins to loosen our firm grip on the worldly things that we hold so dear and then "the things of earth grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

Oh, how I long to "count all things loss" in comparison to knowing Christ as Paul exclaimed in Philippians. And so I take heart that Paul too saw himself as not yet having fully attained it. So, as I seek to give Christ my all and yet feel so far away from being able to proclaim honestly "to live is Christ, to die is gain!", I will espouse the words of Paul found in Philippians 3:12-13 "Not that I have already obtained this or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."

From a different view...

The malls are crowded with holiday shoppers, the radio stations are playing "Silver Bells" and "Santa Clause is Coming to Town", the stockings are hung by the chimney with care...yes, the Christmas season has officially begun. I love everything about Christmas. My decorations are up almost before Thanksgiving dinner has settled in my stomach, I play Christmas music in my car 24/7 from mid-November on, and the shopping...oh, don't even get me started on how much I love Christmas shopping! (And online shopping SO does NOT count.) There is just something about this time of year that makes my step a little lighter, my heart a little warmer and my pants a little tighter. Yes, I love everything about Christmas.

Now, of course, as a believer I know that Christmas isn't at all about the presents, the lights, the food or even spending time with family and friends. And yet, I am just as guilty as non-believers as allowing my focusing to become skewed this time of year. So how do we then, as believers, keep the focus on Christ during Christmas? How do we enjoy the secular aspects of Christmas without getting lost in them? How can I be sure that what I am truly celebrating is the miracle of Christ's birth and the incomparable grace that came to earth that night so long ago and not Christmas trees and Santa Clause?

As I have thought about this over the last few days, the answer came to me as we were practicing for our Christmas concert this weekend. I must always keep my focus on the Cross. Now, I know that typically during Christmas we focus on the baby in the manger and the shepard's watching their flocks by night. We may even think of angels and wise men, but the cross? Doesn't that come much later in the story? While it may be true that Christmas is the celebration of Christ's birth, it lacks any meaning at all if we don't view His birth through the lens of his death on the cross.

Jesus, who was himself fully God, became a human that night so long ago for one solitary purpose. He came to die. He became that sweet little baby in the manger in order to face death so that we might be saved. Jesus, "who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!" (Phil 2:6-8) And the most beautiful part of the Christmas story is that it does not end with Jesus' death on the cross. No, that is just the beginning for those of us who have trusted in Him as our Savior. Because He rose again and conquered death, we have the promise of eternal life with Him in glory. "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."(1 Corinth 15:54-56)

When we stop to look at Christmas from a different perspective, through the lens of the cross, we begin to see the whole picture, the whole story, God's plan from the beginning. The birth of that baby in the manger becomes something more than just a nativity scene on the mantle or the front yard. It becomes more than just a Christmas carol of "Silent Night" or " Away in a Manger". It becomes a symbol of hope. It points us to God's beautiful plan of redemption for His people.

So this Christmas season, when I find myself focusing on what gifts to buy, what treats to indulge in or even what family events to plan, I am going to try to stop myself and remember the cross. There is no amount of gifts we can give or receive, no amount of time spent with loved ones, nor any amount of holiday decorations carefully placed that can offer the true hope and peace that we experience through Jesus Christ. This is the true meaning of Christmas.

I am reminded of one of my favorite Christmas movies, "Charlie Brown Christmas" where Charlie Brown becomes frustrated at all of the secularism of Christmas and longs to know what is the true meaning of Christmas. And Linus, blanket-carrying, simple-minded Linus, reminds him, and all of us, the true meaning of Christmas. " I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you: he is Christ the Lord."(Luke 2:10-11) A Savior has been born. Not a great man or a prophet...a Savior. THE Savior.

One of my all-time favorite songs is in "In Christ Alone" and perhaps these verses from the song best sum it all up. "In Christ alone, who took on flesh, fullness of God in helpless babe. This gift of love and righteousness, scorned by the ones he came to save. Til on that cross as Jesus died the wrath of God was satisfied. For every sin on him was laid . Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay, light of the world by darkness slain. Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again. And as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost its grip on me. For I am His and He is mine bought with the precious blood of Christ!"

It is in Christ alone that we find hope. In His birth, in His death and in His resurrection. It is in Christ alone that we find the true meaning of Christmas.

The Pain and Purpose of Remembering

As Grace's 10th birthday rapidly approaches, I have been recently flooded with memories of the last 10 years. It is amazing to me how quickly the time has passed, and I am nostalgic when I think back to when she was a little girl and not the "tween" that now stands before me. I love to remember how she adored all things pink, delighted in playing dress-up, and spent hours pretending make believe games with her dolls, Polly-pockets and stuffed animals. These memories bring such joy to my heart, and I am so thankful everyday to have them.

However, not all of my memories are as pleasant as those that involve my children. In fact, there are some points in my life that I would much rather forget. In my Bible study, we are learning about Moses' final warnings to the people before they enter into the Promise Land. One thing that he continually tells them is remember to remember. Moses wants the people to remember what God has done for them and how God has faithfully cared for them, often in spite of their disobedience. Moses knows that if the people forget to remember that it is from the Lord that they have received blessing, then they will be less likely to follow the commands of God in their new home.

Now, we often like to give the Israelites a hard time. I mean, it just seems so foolish to us that they could witness such miraculous displays of God's power, love and mercy and then choose to forget all that he has done for them and disobey. But I confess that I often see eerily shameful similarities between myself and them. Maybe they, like me, would rather not look back on their past years spent in bondage and slavery. Maybe they are ashamed of the mistakes they made in the wilderness and would just rather forget the whole thing and move on. We, or I, am guilty at times of having this very same mindset. At times it seems easier to just forget about our "wilderness years", so to speak, and just live comfortably in the place of blessing that the Lord has brought us to.

There are so many times that I wish I could say that my testimony is one of spending most of my life walking closely with the Lord and following His plan for my life, but unfortunately, that's just not the case. Like the Israelites, I also spent many years (thankfully not 40!) wandering in the wasteland as a result of my sin and disobedience to God. And also like them, I have been delivered from my years of bondage and slavery and brought into a place of God's blessing purely as a result of His grace and mercy. How like the Israelites I am when I forget to remember that it is only by the Lord's hand that I am no longer captive to my sin.

As Moses entreats the people to remember, I am reminded that I also must remember. As painful as it is to recall the sin and my shame of my youth, it reminds me of the Lord's great love and faithfulness to me in delivering me from those things. It humbles me to think back on how He saved me...not because I deserved it, but because He loved me. Moses knows that as the people remember God's love for them, they will, out of their gratitude and love, choose to obey Him. He knows that obedience to God is a result of love for God. What could prompt greater love than remembering the faithfulness and goodness of the merciful God we serve?

So, while at times remembering produces pain, there is great purpose in it. The purpose is that as we remember the amazing grace of God towards us and our sin, we fall more deeply in love with our Savior. We will choose to obey His commands because we remember that He alone is capable of knowing what is best for us. We will "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commands." (Deut 7:9) I'd say that in itself is the worth the pain of remembering.