One of those days

This past Friday was just one of those days. You know the type. The kind where when you finally lay your head on the pillow at the end of the day , you are absolutely disgusted with yourself for all the ways that you messed up. Usually when I have one of those days its because I have failed to begin the day with the Lord. So rather than being filled with the Spirit, I am full of myself...and that never goes well. Friday was one of those days.

To be honest, I have those days more often than I would care to admit. I am pretty good at having it all together on the outside even when things are a mess inside. I can slap on a cute outfit and a smile, say all the right things and everything appears to be just great. When in reality, I woke up late, yelled at my children and pouted because things weren't going my way.

Its so easy for us as women, especially Christian women, to fall into the trap of always trying to appear perfect. We don't want people to see our sins, our flaws and our weaknesses. We do our best to mask the ugliness in our hearts, to hide the very reality that we profess to be true as Christians, that we all fall short, that we're all sinners.

When I do my best to hide the fact that I am NOT perfect that I DON'T have it all together, that I DO mess up, then I how am I pointing people to Jesus? Constantly appearing as if I have everything under control actually undermines the power of the cross, the beauty of grace, and the peace in surrender.

Now, I am not advocating walking around like a hot mess all the time, airing your dirty laundry or constantly complaining. None of those things brings Glory and honor to God either. But what I am saying is that its okay to let people see the real me, the imperfect one. The one who loses my temper with my children. The one who forgets to do my quiet time on a busy day. The one who has far too many opinions and is too quick to speak. When people see my shortcomings and my failures, then I can more readily point them to Jesus, the only perfect one, who forgives all my sins, who redeems all my mistakes,and who intercedes on my behalf to the Father.

Yes, we should strive daily to be more like Jesus. Yes, we should be rooted in God's word and prayer. Yes, we should try to present our lives as an offering, holy and pleasing to the Lord. Yes, we should encourage other believers by our words and actions. But we should also share in one another's struggles, bear one another's burdens and walk faithfully along side one another as we imperfectly travel the path to sanctification. When we open up ourselves to this type of vulnerability, then true Christian fellowship can occur.

Yes, Friday was one of those days. I pray that as I grow in my faith that those days become fewer and farther in between. But since I know that they will come inevitably due to my sin, I am all the more thankful for the grace of Jesus, that covers all my sins. And hopefully, instead of seeing me, people will see that grace and be drawn to it and to the One who provides it.

One word

Just before the new year, I was listening to K-Love while taking down my Christmas decorations. That day on the broadcast, they were inviting people to call in with a word that they hoped would define their year in 2012. I was immediately intrigued by this idea for a couple of reasons. First, I love words. Adverbs and adjectives are usually my favorite. I love how you can add one word to a sentence and totally change the idea being presented. I love how words create images in our minds and even feelings when we read them. (In case you had any doubts before about what a complete nerd I am, I am sure they are all erased at this point!) Anyway, the second reason is I also like the idea of setting expectations and goals for the year ahead. I am a classic New Year's resolution kind of girl. I love evaluating where I've been in the past and setting goals for what's ahead. I frequently do this, not just at the first of the year.

This idea of picking a word for the new year also came up just a few days later on one of my favorite blogger's websites www.aholyexperience.com. Now, I need to stop here and tell you that if this interests you that you should definitely check out this blog post. However, please do so after you finish reading here. The author of this blog is an incredibly talented writer and her word for the year is Greek. Seriously...Greek. I can in no way begin to compete with that. I mean, I know a few Spanish words, but they are mostly nouns like dog, girl and bathroom, so I am pretty sure they would not be very good "themes" for my 2012!

So, since it came up twice, I thought it would be great idea to find a word that I would like to be my "theme" for 2012. It has taken me since the 1st to finally settle on one that I think encompasses what my true hopes are for the year ahead. Choosing just one word is hard. If you know me at all, you know that I am a girl of many words and love to talk and express myself, so just one word almost seemed impossible to me. I wanted it to be something that could apply to all facets of my life, something that could pertain to many different areas. I thought about what my goals were for 2012, personal, spiritual, physical, familial, etc... and nothing seemed to fit.

After giving it a lot of thought, I decided maybe the easier course of action would be to look back on 2011 and try to pick a word that best defined it. Maybe in the looking back, I would be able to see more clearly ahead. (Don't worry. There is a word for 2012!) When I started thinking about it, I became overwhelmed at how much our lives have changed over the scope of just one year. This time last year, Matt was still working at Clearvision, waiting to see where God was going to call him to serve Him in ministry. I was still teaching at Southlake, wrestling with the unsettling feeling that something just wasn't quite working for our family. We were still living in Concord, praying desperately for God to move us to Huntersville, yet knowing the call might come from Him to move somewhere else for ministry. Last year at this time our lives looked completely different. Now, Matt is serving as a full-time youth pastor at our home church, Lake Norman Baptist...in Huntersville. And, I am now a full-time homeschool mom. Life couldn't be more different or more rewarding. The Lord led us through those uncertain, unsettling days into a place of blessing, but it wasn't always easy. There were many times where we would look at each other and say, "This just doesn't make sense" or "How in the world is this going to work?" ( we even had other people say those exact words to us as well!)and yet every time we felt the Lord saying, "Just trust me". And so, we did.

2011 was in my opinion a year of "faith". That would be my word for last year. God asking us to step out in faith and obedience even when things seemed unclear or uncertain...to trust Him, put our faith in Him, not in external circumstances.

Looking back over what the Lord has done in our lives in such a short time caused me to think. Who am I to "pick" a word or decide what I think the year ahead should look like? Left to myself, my plans and my ways, I am sure 2012 would end up being a complete disaster. But, left in His Sovereign hands, it will be amazing. Maybe not easy. Maybe not comfortable. But it will be right. It will be right for us because He knows the plans He has for us and they are good. (Jer. 29:11) Besides no matter what I plan , it is ultimately His plans and purposes that will prevail (Prov. 21) And they will be much better then anything I can come up with on my own. And I want to embrace that. I want to surrender, yes that's my word for 2012, to all that He has planned for me, for my family, for my life. No matter what that looks like. No matter if it's hard. No matter if it isn't what I had planned. Because I can trust that anything that comes to my life in 2012, both good and bad, has first been filtered through the Sovereign Hands of God. Romans 8:28 tells us that God is working in all things for the good of those who love Him. And He knows what is good for me. Not good in an earthly sense. But good in the sense that it will help to conform me to the likeness of Christ. (Rom 8:29) And that is the best thing.

So, this year I will do my best to rebel against the planner in me and instead choose to surrender. Surrender daily to Him, dying to myself and seeking His will and His plans above my own. And I hope that when 2012 comes to a close, I will be able to look back and see that it was characterized by walking and living in a place of true surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in my life. (And maybe the study of another language, so that next year's word can sound really important!)