Abortion: And Why It Should Matter To The Church

I want to be clear from the start of this post that my target audience is my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. If you are not a follower of Jesus Christ then I welcome and encourage you to continue reading and pray you will do so with an open heart. With that being said, this is directed toward those who would describe themselves as Evangelical Christians…myself included.

“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.”

― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Today started like any other day. I enjoyed a sweet morning with my family. We even all dressed up as cows to enjoy a free lunch courtesy of Chick Fil A’s Cow Appreciation Day. I was minding my own business, going about my happy, easy-peasy life when Jesus grabbed ahold of my heart and completely wrecked it.

As I was perusing Facebook for a minute of mindless down time, a story posted by many of my friends caught my eye. News today was broken about Planned Parenthood selling aborted babies’ body parts for profit. You can read the details here: https://www.lifesitenews.com/static/undercover-video-planned-parenthood-uses-illegal-partial-birth-abortions-to2.html

As I read this article, I was filled with indescribable horror that eventually turned to outrage. I was angry with Planned Parenthood for committing these atrocious acts. I was horrified by the lawmakers that support abortion and claim that it is for women’s rights. I was incensed at liberals who champion the murder of the unborn while defending the rights of animals and criminals. But while I was on my high horse pointing accusatory fingers at all those who are “responsible” for the evil that is abortion, the Holy Spirit not so gently prodded me deep in my spirit. “What about you?”  He said. “What have you done to defend the least of these? What have you done to speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves? Where have you been while millions of innocent babies have died in your lifetime? What about you, Christian?”

And I was broken. Broken over my sin of silence. Broken over my sin of distraction. Broken over my sin of ignorance. Oh Church! We should absolutely be horrified and broken over our sin of idly standing by while the greatest genocide in history happens all around us. I saw so many posts today from Christians who are rightly outraged at the news that Planned Parenthood is profiting off of the sell of aborted body parts. But where was our outrage yesterday when Planned Parenthood was just profiting off of the murder of innocent babies and the victimization of their mothers? Where was our outrage yesterday when Planned Parenthood was dismembering babies and tossing out those body parts as “medical waste”? The horrors of abortion were the same yesterday while we were going about our normal lives unconcerned about this issue as they are today when we are forced to see it for what it truly is- deplorable evil. To quote Russell Moore, “It is time for the reborn to stand up for the unborn.”

I think often of other times in history when horrific evil was taking place and wonder where the Christians were when these acts were taking place. Where were the Christians when millions of Jews were being slaughtered at the hands of Nazi Germany? How could they have just stood by and let that happen while they carried on with life as normal? Where were the Christians when thousands of African Americans were hauled into slavery and brutally mistreated at the hands of “Christian” masters? How could they have stood by and accepted and approved that practice as a cultural norm? While there were many men and women who spoke out against these horrors and even lost their lives or freedoms doing so, the church as a whole remained relatively silent. What will history say of us? Will generations in the future look back at this time in America’s history and ask, “Where was the church?” or will they see us boldly standing for truth, unconcerned with being “politically correct” or “relevant” in the eyes of our culture? Will they see us as warriors on the front line fighting for the lives of the unborn and taking seriously commands in Scripture to be the hands and feet of Jesus in a lost and broken world? We get to choose, Christian Brothers and Sisters. We get to decide. One day we WILL stand before a Holy God and give an account for what we did with the time we were given. It is clear in Acts chapter 17 that God chose for us just the time and place in history that we would live. We are here for a purpose. For a reason. For such a time as this.

So, what then can we do about abortion? I confess I have asked myself this question dozens of times. It seems like such a huge issue to take on. I think many Christians have given up because we feel like there is nothing that can be done. However, I do think there are some practical things that we as believers can do to fight against the evil of abortion and fight for the lives of the unborn.

VOLUNTEER

Unknown to many, there are several pro-life organizations that work tirelessly to save unborn babies from the murderous fate of abortion. From sidewalk counseling, to offering free ultrasounds, to providing financial and emotional support to abortion-minded mothers, these organizations do much to fight against the atrocity that is abortion. Two that I will quickly mention are located right here in the Lake Norman/Charlotte area. The first is Cities For Life. http://cities4life.org I cannot say enough about this wonderful organization. These men, women and yes, even children give selflessly of their time and resources to save babies from abortion. They offer multiple resources for mothers who find themselves dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, but most importantly they are warriors on the front line. They spend their days standing on sidewalks in front of Charlotte's multiple abortion mills pleading with mothers to spare the lives of their children. They provide free ultrasounds and counseling and then also connect women with the resources they need in order to continue with their pregnancy. And guess what? They need volunteers! So maybe sidewalk counseling sounds terrifying to you. I get it, believe me, I do. There are plenty of behind the scenes activities you can get involved with. For example, my friend Jen and I provided a ride to doctor's appointments for a woman who had changed her mind about abortion due to the efforts of Cities for Life. A ride. How simple is that? The second organization is the Crisis Pregnancy Center in Mooresville. http://lakenormancpc.org. This amazing organization spends countless hours offering resources to mothers. From free pregnancy tests and ultrasounds, counseling, parenting classes, offering free resources such as baby clothes, formula, etc., the Crisis Pregnancy center does much to counter abortion in our society. They even offer Bible Studies for mothers and for women who have had abortions. My favorite thing about this organization is their Gospel focus and their heart for seeing these women find the one resource they truly need-Jesus. And guess what? They need volunteers too! These are just two of the many pro-life organizations that could use your time and your talents.

GIVE

So, maybe you’re reading this and thinking, that sounds great, but I just don’t have that kind of time to spare. I totally get that too. We are all busy with work, kids, school, church, and so on. Maybe instead of volunteering your time, you could give of your financial resources. Most of these pro-life organizations are non-profit ministries and rely upon the donations of like-minded people in order to operate. I can promise you that the pro-choice crowd (and your tax dollars) is going to donate plentifully to support their cause. We must begin putting our money where our mouths are and give to these pro-life organizations that so desperately need our support. You can also faithfully give your tithe. Many churches support these organizations as well, so you are helping to further the pro-life message when you support your church. I know many of us don’t have a lot of wiggle room in our budgets, but even giving a small amount is better than giving nothing at all. The Crisis Pregnancy Center sponsors a baby bottle drive every year where they have folks collect their spare change in a baby bottle to donate. I’m pretty sure most of us can at least spare that amount to give. And if we all give a little, it adds up to a lot. And the best part is, your gift can also benefit you as a tax deduction.

DONATE

If the purse strings are a little tight, consider donating items to these ministries. Most of these organizations accept donations of used items such as maternity clothes, baby clothes, toys, furniture and other baby items. Instead of giving these things away to Goodwill or having a garage sale, call your local pro-life ministry to see what needs they may have. I have done this in the past and was told what a blessing these items are to the women and children that these ministries serve. Again, another benefit is your donation can be a tax deduction for you.

VOTE

While voting for pro-life candidates is not the only way we can help to stop abortion in our country, it is extremely important. I have had many Christians over the years say they don’t want to be a “one issue voter”. While I agree that there are many issues that we must look at when choosing political representatives, in my opinion, this issue is of supreme importance. You are choosing someone to represent YOUR voice on this issue. If they are not pro-life, then that should immediately disqualify them in your eyes.  We cannot hope to see this atrocity ended in our country if we are continually electing officials who refuse to speak up, speak out and vote against abortion and funding pro-choice organizations like Planned Parenthood. And while you are voting, pick up the phone or a computer and contact your representatives and let them know how you feel about this issue and which way you want them to vote. Pay attention to the political process and get involved when representatives are voting regarding this issue. Remember, THEY represent YOU. This is one of the beautiful things about the way our government is set up. Let’s use it to our advantage.

ADOPT

Ok, this one is probably my favorite, and I could write for hours on this one topic, so I’ll keep it brief. One of the things I am told those who work in sidewalk counseling hear frequently is, “ Are you going to adopt my baby?” What if our answer was a resounding YES!? What if Christians became so passionate about the command to take care of orphans that instead of there not being enough homes for the orphans, there were not enough orphans to fill the homes? Let’s open our hearts and our homes to these precious children. Let’s be doers of the word and not merely hearers (James 1:22)

PRAY

How quickly we as believers forget that we have a powerful weapon on our side- Prayer to the Almighty, Sovereign God of the universe, the Creator of life Himself. We need to get on our knees and war in prayer for the lives of the unborn. We need to pray for the babies, their parents, the abortionists, the lawmakers, our president, the judiciary, those working tirelessly on the front lines, and for believers to be raised up to join this fight. We need to humbly come before God in recognition of our own wretchedness apart from His grace and ask for Him to pour out His Spirit on our nation, to do in hearts and minds and in our culture what only He can do to end this evil in our land. Christians, let’s remember that God hears the cries of the righteous. (Psalm 34:17)

GIVE GRACE

As believers in Christ and those who have received the beautiful, undeserved gift of God’s grace towards our sin (Eph 2…read the whole chapter. It’s marvelous!), we need to also extend this same grace to those who have had abortions. Our churches need to be a safe place for women who have made this horrific mistake and are completely broken over it. And you know what, many of these women are sitting in our pews. They are serving in our women’s ministry and teaching our child’s Sunday school class. And they are dying inside. What if the church was a place where those who have had an abortion could come to receive help and counseling and most importantly the good news of forgiveness found in Jesus Christ? I know that there are many out there who murder their children and don’t give it another thought. But there are just as many who were scared and desperate and made a mistake that they will regret for the rest of their lives. Let’s show them that there is forgiveness and freedom in Jesus. Let’s offer Bible studies like Forgiven and Set Free and let’s NOT JUDGE or forget for one second that we are wretched sinners but for the amazing grace of God. Let’s wrap our arms around these women and love them and point them to the glorious cross of Christ.

SPEAK TRUTH

It’s time for us to quit worrying about being so politically correct and call abortion what it is- murder. We have let the pro-choice movement do all the talking on this one, and they have convinced many that it’s not really a life, just a fetus or a clump of cells. Science is on our side on this one, friends. Let’s know the facts and educate others. Many women will change their minds if they see their unborn child via ultrasound or know the facts about when a baby’s heart begins beating, and so on. Let’s not back down when told that we don’t have a right to impose our own beliefs on others and speak out on behalf of those who do not have a voice. And if we remember the previous two points, then we will speak with truth in love.

SHARE THE GOSPEL

At the end of the day there is only one solution to this problem and that is the good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The answer doesn’t lie with lawmakers or regulations. It lies in changed hearts through the power of God. We have the answer, Christians. And it’s simple and beautiful and glorious. Our hearts should be broken for those who are lost, not condemning. Let’s open our mouths and share the hope that we have, but let’s do it with love, gentleness and respect. (1Peter 3:15).

I am speaking as much to myself as I am to my fellow Brothers and Sisters in Christ. I have been weeping all day for my own failure in this area. Let’s hit our knees, friends, repent of our idleness and then let’s get up and DO SOMETHING. Arm in arm, we can make a difference in this fight. We have the power of the Holy Spirit living within us and He is equipping us to do the good work we were called to do by our Heavenly Father. (Hebrews 13:21) Let history say of us that we fought the fight, that we were not silent in the face of evil, that we made much of Christ in His Kingdom, and that we spoke for those who could not speak for themselves.

“It’s time for the reborn to speak for the unborn.”

"Thank you that I get to"

Perspective. I've written about it before. It's the word I know The Lord is trying to impress upon my heart in this season of life. It crops up over & over, again & again. Most recently, it was during a few hours of perhaps the greatest terror I have ever experienced in my life.

As most of you know, our sweet Nora has a mass in her abdomen that was discovered prenatally. A recent CT Scan showed the mass was still present, thankfully still quite small & with a small feeding vessel. The scan also showed the mass in a difficult location to access surgically. Our surgeon is 95% sure that the mass is a benign tissue mass that should not cause Nora any issues, therefore thinks we can delay surgery. BUT, (don't you just hate that word?) there was one area of the scan that seemed a bit off for the diagnosis. It could be due to poor imaging, but to be safe, our surgeon consulted with an oncologist (again...another word you don't want to hear) & she recommended a few blood tests to do as a precaution. If those came back clear, then we would plan to monitor the mass & hopefully delay surgery until Nora is older. 

I won't go into detail about the horror of drawing blood from a five month old. Suffice it to say, we BOTH cried. But it was done & over with & to be honest, I really wasn't too worried over the results. All the doctors involved in her case seemed to be fairly confident that we had nothing to worry about, so I wasn't worried either. 

Two nights ago I was up feeding Nora at 2:30am when I got an email that her blood test results were in her mychart account (an online healthcare file). Not thinking much of it, I clicked on the results. All I really remember was seeing the words "tumor marker", a standard range & then a number in bold well above the standard range listed under the words "your value". In that moment I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to throw up. I began to shake. 

Of course I immediately began to google furiously, trying to make some sense over what these results meant. I went back into our bedroom to wake Matt & began to sob uncontrollably. Immediately the scary "What ifs" began to race through my mind. What if she has cancer? What if we lose our precious baby girl? I honestly can say I have never been more afraid in my entire life. My sweet husband took my hands & we began to pray, seeking comfort & peace & pleading for our sweet girl. I began clinging to the promises I know are true about our God- that He is Sovereign, that He is faithful, that He is ALWAYS good. I prayed Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." until I finally fell asleep. 

I'll skip right to the end of the story, the wonderful, amazing, merciful part of the story where we found out that an infant's normal range is indeed well above the normal range & her number was totally fine. (Praise The Lord...& curse the stupid lab...seriously?!?!) But these few hours taught me a few things that I never want to forget. Perspective being the main one. 

I cannot describe how I felt since finding out that she was ok. I just keep saying, "Thank you, Jesus!" over and over again every time I look at her. It's funny how we take such big important things like the health of our children or our spouse or ourselves for granted. We get so caught up in the day to day, the endless "to do" lists, the trivial stresses of jobs, kids, housework, relationships, etc that we lose sight of what truly matters. We forget that we are all one phone call, one test result, one moment away from our lives being completely changed. I know I can get bogged down in the day to day tasks of my life & forget to see the amazing blessings before me. These little things like sleepless nights, homeschooling issues, navigating how to parent a teenager, laundry that never seems to end, can make me frustrated & discontent. But again there is perspective. These things are truly a blessing...God's favor in this crazy busy season of mothering & schooling & being a wife. Now instead of complaining that I'm up (again!) with a baby that won't sleep, I say "Thank you that I get to rock her to sleep." Instead of sighing when there's yet another pile of laundry to be done, I say, "Thank you that I get to wash these clothes for my family...thank you that I have a family to dirty them up!" Instead of being annoyed when my kids are challenging me with homeschool, I say, "thank you that I get to spend this time teaching them, shaping them & molding them." 

It's all about perspective. There are so many moms out there who get that scary, awful "What if" news for real. I'm pretty sure they'd give anything to be up rocking their healthy babies one more time, or fussing at their kids about fractions, or folding one more load of laundry. So I vow to be thankful- thankful that I get to love my sweet people & be tired & worn out doing it. Thankful that I can laugh & cry & fight with them. That I can wrap my arms around them & breathe them in. 

And really the main thing I'm learning about perspective is that NOTHING else really matters but Jesus. All this day to day, these things that seem so very important- school work, house work, jobs, finances- none of these things really matter at the end of the day. All that matters is Christ and his kingdom. I just want to love him & lead my children to love him. We don't know what tomorrow holds. It could hold scary test results. And in those moments the only thing that matters is Jesus & the hope that we have in the empty grave. I don't think it was an accident that those results popped up in the middle of the night following resurrection Sunday. It was a sweet reminder that because of Easter we can have hope in those scary, "what if" moments. We can have hope when life is hard & painful. And our hope is in Christ. In his life. In his death. In his resurrection. And in the promise that one day he WILL come again & put an end to scary test results and all things sad and painful and hard. 

Today I find myself so very thankful and determined to remember my new mantra of "thankful that I get to..." And I pray that this lesson of perspective will stick and that I won't forget what really matters...Jesus and my people. That's just about it. 

Learning to Trust

            I was raised in church. So, from early on I was acquainted with the type of speech that is common in Christian circles, “Christianese”, if you will. If you’ve spent any time in church, then you know what I’m talking about. Phrases like, “God won’t give you more than you can handle”, or  “God will provide”. We’ve learned to regurgitate phrases we’ve heard frequently used within the church. And while these sayings are well meaning and often true, sometimes we speak without really thinking about what we are saying. Those of us who are believers are quick to verbalize truths about God to others when they are walking through difficulty or find themselves in trying circumstances. We say very good things like, “God is faithful. God is trustworthy. God is Good. God is Sovereign.”…and so on. But sometimes I wonder if we really believe, and I mean really, deep down within the very deepest places of our hearts, believe that what we are saying is indeed true.  It’s easy to trust these things about God when things are going well, when life is comfortable and we are not walking in hard places. In the mountain top moments of life, it is easy to praise God, to declare His goodness and faithfulness. But, what about in the valleys? What about when times are hard and the future is uncertain? Do we still mean what we say then? Do we still hold tight to the phrases we declare so boldly when all is well? This summer the Lord began to challenge me on this very thing, revealing areas of my life where I wasn’t believing and wasn’t trusting and areas of my heart that weren’t fully surrendered to Him.

            At the beginning of the summer, our family was busily preparing for baby number three. My mind was occupied with planning a gender reveal party, dreaming about baby nurseries and obsessing over my ever-growing waistline. Posting “bump updates” was the highlight of my week and my biggest worry was how to make sure the baby was active for the ultrasound so we could get a clear shot for our upcoming gender reveal party. But all that came to a screeching halt the day of our ultrasound when we discovered that our baby had a mass in her abdomen. We often hear about others receiving bad doctor’s reports, or facing difficult circumstances with finances or a job loss, or even losing loved ones. We mourn for them and our hearts break for them, but those things happen to other people, not to us. We know that we live in a fallen world and that trials and troubles most certainly will come, and yet we are shocked when they actually do. This is where I found myself at that moment. I was shocked, I was angry, and mostly I was terrified. Because she was still so small at only 18 weeks gestation, the doctor was unable to give us a definite diagnosis, so we were asked to come back in a month to take another look.

            I went home that day frustrated and scared, but I resolved myself to pray, to press into the Lord. I believed that He was completely able to remove the mass from her body. I spent the next four weeks in diligent prayer, pleading with God to take it away. I poured over the Psalms, finding comfort in verses proclaiming God’s goodness to His children, how He hears the cries of the righteous and draws near to those who seek him. I believed that He could, if He was willing, completely heal our daughter. I believed it could be a testimony of His goodness, His faithfulness and His love. While I knew that God often allows His children to walk through challenging circumstances, I was sure that God would answer my prayer. I tried not to think about the alternative, that God might be purposefully allowing us to go through this for some greater purpose in our lives.  I didn’t want to consider this possibility because it was not the outcome that I desired. And so it was with eager expectation that I attended the next doctor’s appointment.

And yet, the mass was still there. I cannot fully describe how I felt in that moment. I was hurt, I was disappointed and if I’m honest, I was angry. I knew God was able to remove it, and yet He chose not to do it. Even in that moment, I could verbalize the truths about God that I have learned over many years of studying His word and walking with Him. I could talk about how God was for our good, for making us more like Christ. That He knows ultimately what is best for me and for my precious baby. I could quote Romans 8:28-29 and Jeremiah 29:11 and other verses that speak of His faithfulness and goodness. I could tell you that His grace was sufficient in my weakness. And while I knew all of these things to be true, in the moment, I didn’t feel like they were true. In my weakness and in my flesh, I began to doubt. Satan, always looking for an opportunity, began to place the never-ending list of “what if’s” in my head.

I knew that the best thing to do with my doubts and fears was to press more deeply into Christ and into His Word. But, you know what? I did exactly the opposite. I began to shut Him out. My quiet times became fewer and my prayer time became shorter. I dove head first into busyness and distraction to keep my mind occupied. Instead of turning to God, I began to turn away because I didn’t like the answer He had given me.

And yet, God is so very good. Even while I was trying to push Him away, He continued to pursue my heart, to remind me of the very truths I knew deep down. He reminded me through sweet friends or through sermons I would hear or even in the simple message of a praise song. I knew He was using this trial to shed light on some ugly places in my heart. Places I did not want to admit existed. I knew He was showing me how I was perfectly willing to trust Him as long as things were going according to my plan, my schedule and my preferences. He was revealing to me how that wasn’t really trusting Him at all, and how my surrender to Him was conditional based on my expectations.

I realized that I had been so ready to praise Him if He had chosen to heal the mass in my baby’s abdomen, but what about now that He had not? Was He any less deserving of my praise? Was He any less deserving of my trust? Wasn’t He still good and faithful despite my circumstances? Didn’t He still love me even though He had not given me what I wanted? I knew the answer to these questions was yes.

And so it has been a process. I wish I could tell you that I had this great epiphany and haven’t had a moment of doubt since, that I have been a rock star in my prayer life and that I have been walking in total peace and surrender. But that would be dishonest. The truth is that little by little I am learning what it means to be truly surrendered to God in all areas of my life, to give Him everything, even my children. I am learning to acknowledge the places where I am not trusting Him and asking Him to work in my heart so that I might fully trust Him, without conditions or expectations. I am learning to be honest with myself and with others about my shortcomings, about my doubts and fears, and then in turn to be able to give those things to the Lord, so that He can meet me in those places and bring healing and peace. I am learning to be grateful for the struggles that ultimately do draw me closer to Him.

Our sweet baby will be here any time now. And while we feel pretty confident that this mass in her abdomen should be a relatively minor thing to deal with, we still have not been given a definite diagnosis. There are still many unknowns and uncertainties. I am still afraid. But what I am learning is that even without this specific situation, the future really is uncertain for all of us. We don’t know what’s around the next corner or what tomorrow may bring…for ourselves…for our children…or for those we love. And so I am clinging to the things that I know about God, even if I don’t always feel them…That He IS good, He IS faithful and His plans ARE best. I remind myself of these truths every day and I ask Him to give me the ability to believe them, and I mean really, deep down within the very deepest places of my heart believe them.  I’ve realized God doesn’t want our perfection. He just wants our hearts. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. He just wants us to seek Him: in the midst of our doubts, in the midst of our fears, in the midst of our weakness, and in the midst of our struggles. He wants us to put our hope and our trust in Him.

Psalm 33:20-22 has been a comfort to me as I am learning to wait on and hope in the Lord. It says:

“ Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord be upon us, even as we hope in you.”

A Little Dose of Perspective

Two nights ago I had a complete meltdown. If you are a mom then you know the kind I'm talking about...the       4 a.m., sleep-deprived, ugly cry, completely irrational kind. The kind where you truly believe you will never sleep a glorious 8 hours again- that this precious bundle you birthed is destined to wake you up every few hours FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, and you become keenly aware of why enemy combatants use sleep-deprivation as a form of torture. Maybe you've never been there and your precious angels all slept through the night at four weeks old or something ridiculous like that, (the rest of us hate you, by the way)  but this is where I was just two nights ago. 14 weeks of not sleeping had finally taken its toll, and I had a 4 a.m. pity party. It wasn't pretty. 

I woke up yesterday morning tired and weary, and in my type-Aness determined to find a plan. And if I'm honest, I woke up frustrated and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I mean, why did this have to be so HARD?!? Plenty of babies (including one of my own) sleep through the night by this time...why wasn't mine? Why didn't God bless me with a good sleeper this time around? Didn't He know how busy we are or that I have big kids that I have to homeschool during the day? I don't have time to be tired. I was full of self-pity and full of MYSELF.

Early that morning I was flipping through Facebook while feeding Nora, still feeling sorry for myself mind you, when The Lord hit me with exactly what I needed- a healthy dose of perspective. In my newsfeed there were three posts in a row

that rocked me to my core. The first was a plea for prayers for a sweet baby girl about the same age as my Nora. She had contracted the flu which then caused her to have a stroke leading to bleeding on her brain. The second was a post from a precious 20-something mama. This mother of three babies was headed to Houston to face brain surgery for cancer. The final post was a message to a dear friend who buried her young husband just a week ago, leaving her behind to raise her two girls alone. 

Suddenly my "burden" wasn't quite so heavy. Yes, I had been awake most of the night rocking my sweet baby, but I began to wonder and to think about what these other mamas were doing at 4 a.m. Maybe they were awake all night too. The first mama, keeping a vigil all night long in a hospital room. Worrying, praying over her little one, wondering if she would make it and if so, would she ever be the same healthy, happy little girl she was before? The second mama, miles away from her babies, facing surgery with tons of risks and no guarantee that it would heal her of a disease that threatened to take her from her children. The third, lying awake in a bed that suddenly feels too big, facing life without her partner, her best friend. Grieving for herself & her daughters who would now grow up without their Daddy. Perspective. 

It's so easy to get short-sighted, to focus on our unpleasant circumstances and let them distract us from the blessings all around us. Yes, I may be tired. But I'm tired because I have a tiny little girl who needs me, who finds comfort in her mama's arms where she can hear the beating of my heart and feel the reassurance of my warmth. Sometimes in the middle of our "hard" we need to step back and see it for what it truly is, to see the beauty in it. 

I'm not saying that the little things that we face in life aren't hard. They really are. But whether it's sleep-deprivation, or the terrible twos, or financial struggles, or chronic pain, or a troubled teen, or you fill in the blank, sometimes we just need a moment to get perspective. That the things that seem so heavy at the time are really not so bad after all. That there are so many around us who are truly hurting and broken, barely surviving while we focus on ourselves and our own struggles. 

Yesterday morning The Lord reminded me of a couple of things. The first is that He cares. He cares as much about the weary mama as he does the grieving widow. He wants us to bring ALL of our burdens to Him -big and small because He cares for us. His word tells us this is true in 1 Peter 5:7. 

The second is that He hears. He hears our desperate 4 a.m. cries, and He hears the mother's pleas for her child. And He answers...not always in the way we want or expect, but He answers. His answer to me was a gentle reproof, a reminder to open my eyes to the sweet blessings He is pouring out on me. 

The third is that He knows. He knows because He too once walked in this broken world- weary, heart-broken, worn.  He wept, He grieved, He faced fears and sorrows. He understands the pain and hurt that we face here on earth. When we feel alone in our grief and sorrow, He's right there, willing us to let Him guide us through it. To give us His grace to endure. 

And finally, He has overcome. One day there will be no more mamas with empty arms aching to hold their babies. There will be no more widows grieving the loss of their husbands. There will be no children without mamas to rock them in the middle of the night. Because He came and because He is coming again, we have hope. Jesus tells us in John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” 

Last night as I put my head on my pillow, fairly certain it would not be for nearly long enough, I remembered those other mamas. I snuggled up close to my husband and put my head on his chest and listened to the steady, comforting beat of his heart. I listened to the sweet sound of my baby breathing contentedly in her sleep. I heard the familiar sounds of my big kids settling in for bed. And I had perspective. 

I'm sure there will still be other meltdowns in my future. But I hope that I will be able to stop and count my blessings, to take a step back and get a little perspective. To see the bigger picture. To remember that He cares, He hears, He knows, and He has overcome. 

Just you and me

In the quiet stillness of the night, it's just you and me. I stare at you, sometimes completely amazed that you are really here in my arms. I listen to the sweet sounds of your breathing and your tiny little baby noises, and I am overwhelmed by the goodness of my Father to entrust such a precious blessing to me. I think of your sister and brother, remembering back to when they were babies and wish I had known then what I know now...that these night time moments, so long & lonely, and yet sweet, are fleeting- Just for a short season. And  I wish I had cherished them more, and I vow to live in the season with them now, to cherish it, even when it's hard. And I am thankful that I know better this time than to wish these moments away. I watch you sleeping, eyes fluttering, smiling in your baby dreams, and my heart is full and heavy at the same time. So I pray. I pray hard. This night time with you has become a time of silent vigil. Praying for your health & safety. Praying for your purity & your future. But mostly praying that you will love Jesus passionately and follow Him boldly. Praying for the Holy Spirit to ignite an unquenchable flame in your heart for the Gospel and a passion to tell others the wonderful news of the cross.  I hold you close to my heart knowing there will be a day when you no longer fit in my arms. Knowing you will grow so quickly, that every day will bring change. And so I breathe you in & I soak in the stillness of these moments...every sleep-deprived moment. And I am thankful. And I praise The Lord. For His goodness. For His mercy. For His great, great love. How He must love us so to give us such beautiful gifts! And so my heart is resolved to use these night time moments with you to love you well and to draw close to our sweet Father who has blessed us with this sweet time. Just you and me. In the quiet stillness of the night. Thank you, Jesus.

The Story Behind the Bump

Its no secret that I am clearly bump obsessed. I’m sure by now that the constant #bumpupdates and #babygirlbump photos are somewhat annoying to some…okay, maybe most. But, I just cannot help myself. I love being pregnant! Everything, and I mean everything, about this pregnancy has brought me such joy. I’m sure that seems odd to a lot of people. I know a ton of women have difficult pregnancies, so the idea of loving pregnancy seems impossible. And yes, I have had two other babies (albeit many years ago), and I wasn’t nearly this baby bump crazed. So, why is this one different, you ask? Well, that’s because there is a story behind this bump.

When people find out we are having a baby when our youngest child is 10 years old, we get some interesting responses. Most give a sweet and well-meaning, “What a fun surprise!” Some have even come right out and asked, “Was this baby a surprise?” and then there have been the not so pleasant, “Oh, I’m so sorry! I’m sure you are dreading starting all over again!” But there has been one common response when people find out that this baby was not a surprise at all, but was, in fact, actually planned: shock. Why in the world would we want to start over again? Especially when our oldest daughter is almost a teenager? None of these remarks have bothered me at all. I’m sure it does seem odd and strange to have a baby so many years later than the others. I am sure I have even been the giver of such remarks at times to others.

And if I’m honest, this wasn’t the way I would have planned it myself. But, it was God’s plan, His way, and I have learned over many years that His way is indeed always better…even when it doesn’t look normal… even when it doesn’t line up with what I had planned or dreamed. So really this is as much His story as it is this baby’s story. A journey that we have been on for many years. A journey in learning to open our hands for the Lord to give…and to take…so that we might find ourselves walking in the center of His plan for our lives.

When Matt and I had our first two children we were young, scared and immature. Still mere babes ourselves (physically and spiritually), we trudged along through baby and toddler years, enjoying them, but also not really fully appreciating them. They were sweet years, but hard years. We were learning how to be adults, how to be a husband and a wife and how to be parents all at the same time. So when our youngest was at the age where you would typically begin thinking about baby number three, we were NOT ready. We had our hands full with our two babies, and we were satisfied. By the time Grace started school and the thought of another baby wasn’t completely overwhelming, the Lord was working heavily in our lives. We felt called to give our children a Bible-centered education; so Christian school was a must. Matt also was feeling God’s call on his life into ministry, so he was working full-time and attending seminary full-time in preparation to leave corporate America and transition into full-time ministry. Again, the time just didn’t seem right. A few years later Jackson started school and it was at this time that I truly begin to feel the ache for another baby. But again, life circumstances seemed to be in the way. With two children in private school, it seemed best for me to go back to work, so I began teaching full-time at their school. Adding a baby now seemed impossible. But it was during the next few years that God began really working in my heart over this issue of family.

At one time, when my kids were small, I was really content with our two children. We had had them very young, and so I liked the thought of being in my 40s with no children in the home. I thought it would be great to have that freedom and time alone with my husband. But as I grew in my relationship with the Lord, He began to give me a different picture of family and raising children. One that portrayed family as ministry, my primary ministry- my greatest opportunity to impact the world for the sake of the Gospel. Yes, I had a vibrant, thriving ministry at my school, but I began to see my children and their children as a greater way to shape generations for the Gospel. And it was then that I began to long for more children. At the same time through relationships with several dear friends, I also began to dream about adoption. The Lord began to put a deep desire in my heart to see our family grow, both biologically and through adoption. But there was just one problem: my husband did not feel the same way.

I can remember going to Matt and asking him to pray about growing our family. And I can remember the hesitant ‘yes’ that he gave me. We have found after many years being married that the Lord will often move one of our hearts first and then bring the other one along at the right time and in the right way. So, I resolved myself to prayer and to waiting.  When our children were 9 and 7, we began to feel that God was calling us to homeschool. At the same time, Matt left his job in corporate America and became the youth pastor at our church. In the back of my mind I began to wonder if now that I was home, we could have another baby. But again circumstances seemed to be in the way. I had just quit my job and now Matt was taking a huge pay cut. Plus we had no maternity coverage on our insurance plan and to add it was ridiculously expensive. So, once again, I stuffed down my desires and went on.

Over the years I had learned to bury my desire for more children. I can distinctly remember going on long runs and dreaming about what I would name another baby should we ever have one. I can also remember one time hearing the news that a friend was pregnant with her third child. And after being excited and joyful for her, I had the sharp realization that I was experiencing another feeling: jealousy. I remember going for a run that day and crying most of the run. But I would always find a way to shove it down deeply and find “reasons” why I was ok with not having more children. One morning I was on Facebook and a friend of mine, Bethany (who has 6 precious children!), had posted this on her wall:

“Along this journey if He wanted to provide something for us (material or otherwise), it has gone something like this…I would have to think about it, dream about it, determine ways to make it happen…but eventually end up frustrated because I couldn’t make it happen. That’s exactly where God wanted me, I had to lay my hopes, ideas, and plans down completely (and for certain things many years)…GOD then decided when and what to pick up, and then He would deliver in miraculous ways…He wants to move mountains for us, sometimes we just need to move out of the way!”

I felt as if her words were meant just for me that morning. I realized that this is what I had been doing. Holding on to MY dreams so tightly, trying to figure out how to make them happen. I believed in my heart that these desires were from the Lord, so I thought I needed to somehow make them happen. And so that day I wrote her words down in my prayer journal. I then made a list of the things I believed the Lord had put in my heart. The first thing on the list was: More children, either adopted or biological or BOTH. And one by one, I surrendered my hopes, plans and dreams to the Lord. That day I opened my hands and I gave them to Him. I also made another list that day of things, circumstances, that I felt like were preventing us from having the things I believed the Lord wanted for us, and I gave those things to Him as well.

Over the next few months and years, God began to work in miraculous ways. He began crossing things off of my “obstacles” list in unexplainable and miraculous ways. He also began changing my husband’s heart. He came to me one day and asked me to pray with him about growing our family. We would pray individually for a few weeks and then discuss how we felt God was leading us. I’ll never forget that conversation. We were sitting in our favorite breakfast spot in Blowing Rock. The Lord had brought us to the same conclusion that day: adoption. While I still wanted to have another baby, there was no doubt in my mind that God was asking us to answer His call to adopt. And so that day, once again, I gave him my desire for a baby. I knew that moving forward with adoption may mean that we never had any more biological children, and so I handed him my desire and asked Him to let me only desire His will for our family. We began praying and seeking God on what adoption would look like for our family. There are so many options out there that it can be completely overwhelming. Through a year of praying, researching and seeking the Lord, we finally came to a decision this past fall. (All of this is another story for another day!) We decided to adopt siblings from the Philippines. We found an agency we liked and trusted, submitted our deposit, began paperwork, told friends and family and eagerly awaited God’s working through this process.

Imagine my surprise when just a few months into the process I began to feel God stirring my heart. The longing I had had for another baby begin to creep back into my thoughts and dreams. I instantly felt guilty. “But God, we know that you have called us to adopt. We are certain this is part of your plan for our lives. Why am I feeling this way now? After handing it over to you and finally finding peace and comfort in moving forward with adoption and letting go of this dream?” For a few weeks I said nothing. I just prayed that the Lord would remove this desire from my heart, but the feelings just kept getting stronger and stronger. I kept feeling like the Lord was purposefully and intentionally placing those dreams back into my heart. So I finally blurted it out to a friend one day while shopping. Her response was so simple and yet so profound. She said, “Well, why can’t you just do both?” A simple solution, and yet one I had not even considered a possibility. The next day I tentatively broached the subject with Matt, expecting his usual response, that it wasn’t something he felt led to do. However, he completely shocked me by echoing my friend’s response. Why couldn’t we just do both? That maybe it was time to have another baby. (After all, we weren’t getting any younger!) And so I went back to the Lord in prayer. I was torn. My heart was already prepared for our adopted children. I prayed for them daily and dreamt about them regularly. I knew that deciding to have a baby would delay the adoption process…something I was certain we were called to do. Was this really the right thing? Once again God used wise council to help me see the simple answers. My sister reminded me that only God could create life. Even if we decided to do nothing to prevent pregnancy, only He could ultimately decide to give us another child. And so, we opened our hands. We decided to let God determine the future of our family. We continued to move forward with adoption, even submitting a request for a sibling group of three, and we stopped preventing pregnancy.

Our request got denied and three and a half weeks later I was holding a positive pregnancy test! The Lord, in his goodness and faithfulness, answered our prayers immediately. He confirmed our decision and said, “Yes, this is my plan for your family right now.” I cannot describe the overwhelming joy I have felt every day since seeing the word “Yes” on that pregnancy test.  In that moment the Lord whispered, “Yes” in my heart. Yes, this has been my plan all along. Yes, I am now giving back to you the very thing I asked you to surrender to me so long ago.

I know without a doubt that if the Lord had given us this baby a long time ago, we may have never come to the conviction that He is calling us to adopt. I might have never begun to long for those children the way I longed for another baby. But now I do. Even in the midst of this pregnancy, I am still longing for my adopted children. But now I know that His timing is absolutely perfect, and He will bring them into our family at just the right time, just as He did with this precious little one.

I can look back now and see how silly and selfish many of the “circumstances” were that for so many years prevented us from growing our family, but I can also see how purposeful those years were. How the Lord was teaching us to open our hands…to give Him our plans and dreams, along with our worries and circumstances. And this lesson goes so very far beyond just determining the size and make up of our family. It transcends into every part of our lives. Learning to live with open hands in every aspect, giving Him all things, letting there be nothing we are holding onto and letting Him determine what to place in our empty palms.

When you have given something to the Lord, and I mean REALLY surrendered it, then when He gives it back to you, it becomes the sweetest gift, a true treasure. That’s what this pregnancy has been for me. And I believe this is the way God desires us to see our children, as blessings and rewards from Him. I have a completely different view of my family now, and I am so thankful for the process that He took me through in order to get to this place. I do not know what He has planned for our future as far as children go, but I am eagerly awaiting and expecting all that He will do. No agenda of my own this time, just trusting Him to lead us step by step. Trusting that He will give us the children He has planned for us, in whatever way He sees fit. And in the meantime, I will cherish every precious kick, I will savor every tiny movement, I will dream about meeting this precious baby girl, and I will even love the sight of my expanding waistline. Because this baby is a gift, an unexpected, undeserved, miraculous gift from a good and gracious God.

The story behind this bump is one of God’s faithfulness to His children. So I hope now that when you see my #bumpupdates you can smile knowing they are a testimony to God’s grace and His goodness. They are a reflection of the Father’s love to His children. They are a reminder to live open-handed so that God can lead you into the beautiful plan He has for your life.