The Story Behind the Bump

Its no secret that I am clearly bump obsessed. I’m sure by now that the constant #bumpupdates and #babygirlbump photos are somewhat annoying to some…okay, maybe most. But, I just cannot help myself. I love being pregnant! Everything, and I mean everything, about this pregnancy has brought me such joy. I’m sure that seems odd to a lot of people. I know a ton of women have difficult pregnancies, so the idea of loving pregnancy seems impossible. And yes, I have had two other babies (albeit many years ago), and I wasn’t nearly this baby bump crazed. So, why is this one different, you ask? Well, that’s because there is a story behind this bump.

When people find out we are having a baby when our youngest child is 10 years old, we get some interesting responses. Most give a sweet and well-meaning, “What a fun surprise!” Some have even come right out and asked, “Was this baby a surprise?” and then there have been the not so pleasant, “Oh, I’m so sorry! I’m sure you are dreading starting all over again!” But there has been one common response when people find out that this baby was not a surprise at all, but was, in fact, actually planned: shock. Why in the world would we want to start over again? Especially when our oldest daughter is almost a teenager? None of these remarks have bothered me at all. I’m sure it does seem odd and strange to have a baby so many years later than the others. I am sure I have even been the giver of such remarks at times to others.

And if I’m honest, this wasn’t the way I would have planned it myself. But, it was God’s plan, His way, and I have learned over many years that His way is indeed always better…even when it doesn’t look normal… even when it doesn’t line up with what I had planned or dreamed. So really this is as much His story as it is this baby’s story. A journey that we have been on for many years. A journey in learning to open our hands for the Lord to give…and to take…so that we might find ourselves walking in the center of His plan for our lives.

When Matt and I had our first two children we were young, scared and immature. Still mere babes ourselves (physically and spiritually), we trudged along through baby and toddler years, enjoying them, but also not really fully appreciating them. They were sweet years, but hard years. We were learning how to be adults, how to be a husband and a wife and how to be parents all at the same time. So when our youngest was at the age where you would typically begin thinking about baby number three, we were NOT ready. We had our hands full with our two babies, and we were satisfied. By the time Grace started school and the thought of another baby wasn’t completely overwhelming, the Lord was working heavily in our lives. We felt called to give our children a Bible-centered education; so Christian school was a must. Matt also was feeling God’s call on his life into ministry, so he was working full-time and attending seminary full-time in preparation to leave corporate America and transition into full-time ministry. Again, the time just didn’t seem right. A few years later Jackson started school and it was at this time that I truly begin to feel the ache for another baby. But again, life circumstances seemed to be in the way. With two children in private school, it seemed best for me to go back to work, so I began teaching full-time at their school. Adding a baby now seemed impossible. But it was during the next few years that God began really working in my heart over this issue of family.

At one time, when my kids were small, I was really content with our two children. We had had them very young, and so I liked the thought of being in my 40s with no children in the home. I thought it would be great to have that freedom and time alone with my husband. But as I grew in my relationship with the Lord, He began to give me a different picture of family and raising children. One that portrayed family as ministry, my primary ministry- my greatest opportunity to impact the world for the sake of the Gospel. Yes, I had a vibrant, thriving ministry at my school, but I began to see my children and their children as a greater way to shape generations for the Gospel. And it was then that I began to long for more children. At the same time through relationships with several dear friends, I also began to dream about adoption. The Lord began to put a deep desire in my heart to see our family grow, both biologically and through adoption. But there was just one problem: my husband did not feel the same way.

I can remember going to Matt and asking him to pray about growing our family. And I can remember the hesitant ‘yes’ that he gave me. We have found after many years being married that the Lord will often move one of our hearts first and then bring the other one along at the right time and in the right way. So, I resolved myself to prayer and to waiting.  When our children were 9 and 7, we began to feel that God was calling us to homeschool. At the same time, Matt left his job in corporate America and became the youth pastor at our church. In the back of my mind I began to wonder if now that I was home, we could have another baby. But again circumstances seemed to be in the way. I had just quit my job and now Matt was taking a huge pay cut. Plus we had no maternity coverage on our insurance plan and to add it was ridiculously expensive. So, once again, I stuffed down my desires and went on.

Over the years I had learned to bury my desire for more children. I can distinctly remember going on long runs and dreaming about what I would name another baby should we ever have one. I can also remember one time hearing the news that a friend was pregnant with her third child. And after being excited and joyful for her, I had the sharp realization that I was experiencing another feeling: jealousy. I remember going for a run that day and crying most of the run. But I would always find a way to shove it down deeply and find “reasons” why I was ok with not having more children. One morning I was on Facebook and a friend of mine, Bethany (who has 6 precious children!), had posted this on her wall:

“Along this journey if He wanted to provide something for us (material or otherwise), it has gone something like this…I would have to think about it, dream about it, determine ways to make it happen…but eventually end up frustrated because I couldn’t make it happen. That’s exactly where God wanted me, I had to lay my hopes, ideas, and plans down completely (and for certain things many years)…GOD then decided when and what to pick up, and then He would deliver in miraculous ways…He wants to move mountains for us, sometimes we just need to move out of the way!”

I felt as if her words were meant just for me that morning. I realized that this is what I had been doing. Holding on to MY dreams so tightly, trying to figure out how to make them happen. I believed in my heart that these desires were from the Lord, so I thought I needed to somehow make them happen. And so that day I wrote her words down in my prayer journal. I then made a list of the things I believed the Lord had put in my heart. The first thing on the list was: More children, either adopted or biological or BOTH. And one by one, I surrendered my hopes, plans and dreams to the Lord. That day I opened my hands and I gave them to Him. I also made another list that day of things, circumstances, that I felt like were preventing us from having the things I believed the Lord wanted for us, and I gave those things to Him as well.

Over the next few months and years, God began to work in miraculous ways. He began crossing things off of my “obstacles” list in unexplainable and miraculous ways. He also began changing my husband’s heart. He came to me one day and asked me to pray with him about growing our family. We would pray individually for a few weeks and then discuss how we felt God was leading us. I’ll never forget that conversation. We were sitting in our favorite breakfast spot in Blowing Rock. The Lord had brought us to the same conclusion that day: adoption. While I still wanted to have another baby, there was no doubt in my mind that God was asking us to answer His call to adopt. And so that day, once again, I gave him my desire for a baby. I knew that moving forward with adoption may mean that we never had any more biological children, and so I handed him my desire and asked Him to let me only desire His will for our family. We began praying and seeking God on what adoption would look like for our family. There are so many options out there that it can be completely overwhelming. Through a year of praying, researching and seeking the Lord, we finally came to a decision this past fall. (All of this is another story for another day!) We decided to adopt siblings from the Philippines. We found an agency we liked and trusted, submitted our deposit, began paperwork, told friends and family and eagerly awaited God’s working through this process.

Imagine my surprise when just a few months into the process I began to feel God stirring my heart. The longing I had had for another baby begin to creep back into my thoughts and dreams. I instantly felt guilty. “But God, we know that you have called us to adopt. We are certain this is part of your plan for our lives. Why am I feeling this way now? After handing it over to you and finally finding peace and comfort in moving forward with adoption and letting go of this dream?” For a few weeks I said nothing. I just prayed that the Lord would remove this desire from my heart, but the feelings just kept getting stronger and stronger. I kept feeling like the Lord was purposefully and intentionally placing those dreams back into my heart. So I finally blurted it out to a friend one day while shopping. Her response was so simple and yet so profound. She said, “Well, why can’t you just do both?” A simple solution, and yet one I had not even considered a possibility. The next day I tentatively broached the subject with Matt, expecting his usual response, that it wasn’t something he felt led to do. However, he completely shocked me by echoing my friend’s response. Why couldn’t we just do both? That maybe it was time to have another baby. (After all, we weren’t getting any younger!) And so I went back to the Lord in prayer. I was torn. My heart was already prepared for our adopted children. I prayed for them daily and dreamt about them regularly. I knew that deciding to have a baby would delay the adoption process…something I was certain we were called to do. Was this really the right thing? Once again God used wise council to help me see the simple answers. My sister reminded me that only God could create life. Even if we decided to do nothing to prevent pregnancy, only He could ultimately decide to give us another child. And so, we opened our hands. We decided to let God determine the future of our family. We continued to move forward with adoption, even submitting a request for a sibling group of three, and we stopped preventing pregnancy.

Our request got denied and three and a half weeks later I was holding a positive pregnancy test! The Lord, in his goodness and faithfulness, answered our prayers immediately. He confirmed our decision and said, “Yes, this is my plan for your family right now.” I cannot describe the overwhelming joy I have felt every day since seeing the word “Yes” on that pregnancy test.  In that moment the Lord whispered, “Yes” in my heart. Yes, this has been my plan all along. Yes, I am now giving back to you the very thing I asked you to surrender to me so long ago.

I know without a doubt that if the Lord had given us this baby a long time ago, we may have never come to the conviction that He is calling us to adopt. I might have never begun to long for those children the way I longed for another baby. But now I do. Even in the midst of this pregnancy, I am still longing for my adopted children. But now I know that His timing is absolutely perfect, and He will bring them into our family at just the right time, just as He did with this precious little one.

I can look back now and see how silly and selfish many of the “circumstances” were that for so many years prevented us from growing our family, but I can also see how purposeful those years were. How the Lord was teaching us to open our hands…to give Him our plans and dreams, along with our worries and circumstances. And this lesson goes so very far beyond just determining the size and make up of our family. It transcends into every part of our lives. Learning to live with open hands in every aspect, giving Him all things, letting there be nothing we are holding onto and letting Him determine what to place in our empty palms.

When you have given something to the Lord, and I mean REALLY surrendered it, then when He gives it back to you, it becomes the sweetest gift, a true treasure. That’s what this pregnancy has been for me. And I believe this is the way God desires us to see our children, as blessings and rewards from Him. I have a completely different view of my family now, and I am so thankful for the process that He took me through in order to get to this place. I do not know what He has planned for our future as far as children go, but I am eagerly awaiting and expecting all that He will do. No agenda of my own this time, just trusting Him to lead us step by step. Trusting that He will give us the children He has planned for us, in whatever way He sees fit. And in the meantime, I will cherish every precious kick, I will savor every tiny movement, I will dream about meeting this precious baby girl, and I will even love the sight of my expanding waistline. Because this baby is a gift, an unexpected, undeserved, miraculous gift from a good and gracious God.

The story behind this bump is one of God’s faithfulness to His children. So I hope now that when you see my #bumpupdates you can smile knowing they are a testimony to God’s grace and His goodness. They are a reflection of the Father’s love to His children. They are a reminder to live open-handed so that God can lead you into the beautiful plan He has for your life.