Learning to Trust

            I was raised in church. So, from early on I was acquainted with the type of speech that is common in Christian circles, “Christianese”, if you will. If you’ve spent any time in church, then you know what I’m talking about. Phrases like, “God won’t give you more than you can handle”, or  “God will provide”. We’ve learned to regurgitate phrases we’ve heard frequently used within the church. And while these sayings are well meaning and often true, sometimes we speak without really thinking about what we are saying. Those of us who are believers are quick to verbalize truths about God to others when they are walking through difficulty or find themselves in trying circumstances. We say very good things like, “God is faithful. God is trustworthy. God is Good. God is Sovereign.”…and so on. But sometimes I wonder if we really believe, and I mean really, deep down within the very deepest places of our hearts, believe that what we are saying is indeed true.  It’s easy to trust these things about God when things are going well, when life is comfortable and we are not walking in hard places. In the mountain top moments of life, it is easy to praise God, to declare His goodness and faithfulness. But, what about in the valleys? What about when times are hard and the future is uncertain? Do we still mean what we say then? Do we still hold tight to the phrases we declare so boldly when all is well? This summer the Lord began to challenge me on this very thing, revealing areas of my life where I wasn’t believing and wasn’t trusting and areas of my heart that weren’t fully surrendered to Him.

            At the beginning of the summer, our family was busily preparing for baby number three. My mind was occupied with planning a gender reveal party, dreaming about baby nurseries and obsessing over my ever-growing waistline. Posting “bump updates” was the highlight of my week and my biggest worry was how to make sure the baby was active for the ultrasound so we could get a clear shot for our upcoming gender reveal party. But all that came to a screeching halt the day of our ultrasound when we discovered that our baby had a mass in her abdomen. We often hear about others receiving bad doctor’s reports, or facing difficult circumstances with finances or a job loss, or even losing loved ones. We mourn for them and our hearts break for them, but those things happen to other people, not to us. We know that we live in a fallen world and that trials and troubles most certainly will come, and yet we are shocked when they actually do. This is where I found myself at that moment. I was shocked, I was angry, and mostly I was terrified. Because she was still so small at only 18 weeks gestation, the doctor was unable to give us a definite diagnosis, so we were asked to come back in a month to take another look.

            I went home that day frustrated and scared, but I resolved myself to pray, to press into the Lord. I believed that He was completely able to remove the mass from her body. I spent the next four weeks in diligent prayer, pleading with God to take it away. I poured over the Psalms, finding comfort in verses proclaiming God’s goodness to His children, how He hears the cries of the righteous and draws near to those who seek him. I believed that He could, if He was willing, completely heal our daughter. I believed it could be a testimony of His goodness, His faithfulness and His love. While I knew that God often allows His children to walk through challenging circumstances, I was sure that God would answer my prayer. I tried not to think about the alternative, that God might be purposefully allowing us to go through this for some greater purpose in our lives.  I didn’t want to consider this possibility because it was not the outcome that I desired. And so it was with eager expectation that I attended the next doctor’s appointment.

And yet, the mass was still there. I cannot fully describe how I felt in that moment. I was hurt, I was disappointed and if I’m honest, I was angry. I knew God was able to remove it, and yet He chose not to do it. Even in that moment, I could verbalize the truths about God that I have learned over many years of studying His word and walking with Him. I could talk about how God was for our good, for making us more like Christ. That He knows ultimately what is best for me and for my precious baby. I could quote Romans 8:28-29 and Jeremiah 29:11 and other verses that speak of His faithfulness and goodness. I could tell you that His grace was sufficient in my weakness. And while I knew all of these things to be true, in the moment, I didn’t feel like they were true. In my weakness and in my flesh, I began to doubt. Satan, always looking for an opportunity, began to place the never-ending list of “what if’s” in my head.

I knew that the best thing to do with my doubts and fears was to press more deeply into Christ and into His Word. But, you know what? I did exactly the opposite. I began to shut Him out. My quiet times became fewer and my prayer time became shorter. I dove head first into busyness and distraction to keep my mind occupied. Instead of turning to God, I began to turn away because I didn’t like the answer He had given me.

And yet, God is so very good. Even while I was trying to push Him away, He continued to pursue my heart, to remind me of the very truths I knew deep down. He reminded me through sweet friends or through sermons I would hear or even in the simple message of a praise song. I knew He was using this trial to shed light on some ugly places in my heart. Places I did not want to admit existed. I knew He was showing me how I was perfectly willing to trust Him as long as things were going according to my plan, my schedule and my preferences. He was revealing to me how that wasn’t really trusting Him at all, and how my surrender to Him was conditional based on my expectations.

I realized that I had been so ready to praise Him if He had chosen to heal the mass in my baby’s abdomen, but what about now that He had not? Was He any less deserving of my praise? Was He any less deserving of my trust? Wasn’t He still good and faithful despite my circumstances? Didn’t He still love me even though He had not given me what I wanted? I knew the answer to these questions was yes.

And so it has been a process. I wish I could tell you that I had this great epiphany and haven’t had a moment of doubt since, that I have been a rock star in my prayer life and that I have been walking in total peace and surrender. But that would be dishonest. The truth is that little by little I am learning what it means to be truly surrendered to God in all areas of my life, to give Him everything, even my children. I am learning to acknowledge the places where I am not trusting Him and asking Him to work in my heart so that I might fully trust Him, without conditions or expectations. I am learning to be honest with myself and with others about my shortcomings, about my doubts and fears, and then in turn to be able to give those things to the Lord, so that He can meet me in those places and bring healing and peace. I am learning to be grateful for the struggles that ultimately do draw me closer to Him.

Our sweet baby will be here any time now. And while we feel pretty confident that this mass in her abdomen should be a relatively minor thing to deal with, we still have not been given a definite diagnosis. There are still many unknowns and uncertainties. I am still afraid. But what I am learning is that even without this specific situation, the future really is uncertain for all of us. We don’t know what’s around the next corner or what tomorrow may bring…for ourselves…for our children…or for those we love. And so I am clinging to the things that I know about God, even if I don’t always feel them…That He IS good, He IS faithful and His plans ARE best. I remind myself of these truths every day and I ask Him to give me the ability to believe them, and I mean really, deep down within the very deepest places of my heart believe them.  I’ve realized God doesn’t want our perfection. He just wants our hearts. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. He just wants us to seek Him: in the midst of our doubts, in the midst of our fears, in the midst of our weakness, and in the midst of our struggles. He wants us to put our hope and our trust in Him.

Psalm 33:20-22 has been a comfort to me as I am learning to wait on and hope in the Lord. It says:

“ Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord be upon us, even as we hope in you.”