I have to
confess. I have greatly struggled with finding the words for this blog post.
And most of you know me well enough by now to know that being at a loss for
words is not something that I am accustomed to. But time after time as I sat
down to pen my thoughts, the words just wouldn’t come. To be honest, the Lord
has been moving within my heart in so many ways over the last few weeks and
months that most of the time it feels like a jumbled mess inside my head. And
yet at the same time, I feel like I am seeing things more clearly than I ever
have before.
It actually
started a couple of summers ago when a few moms and I decided to do a summer
book study by the pool. So we grabbed our books, our sunscreen and our kiddos
and met to discuss it. While the kids splashed in the water, we were challenged
and convicted about what it truly looked like to be a disciple of Jesus and to
follow him in “Radical” abandonment. That summer something began to stir inside
my heart and has been churning ever since. I have been constantly wrestling
with the thought that there just seems to be more to following Jesus than what
is proclaimed in America today. More than what my life looks like on a regular
basis.
I live in a
pretty “Bubble-wrapped” world. I homeschool my kids. My husband works in
ministry. Our friends are primarily
other church-going, home-schooling families with similar ideals, values and
standards. My parents, siblings and the majority of my family members are Christians.
I don’t watch a lot of TV (except for Fox News, of course!) and have very
little interaction with my neighbors. To be honest, I don’t have much meaningful
contact with people that aren’t a whole lot like me. I find it very simple to
surround myself with people and influences that line up with what I believe.
It’s safe. It’s easy. It’s comfortable.
I go to
church. I sing on the praise team. I help lead a small group of teenage girls
weekly. I attend Bible study and co-teach the teen group. I go on mission trips
and youth retreats. I read my Bible regularly and know it well. By most
peoples’ standards, it would appear that I have this following Jesus thing down
pat. And yet, I have to ask myself…is this really
what Jesus meant when He said, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny
himself, take up his cross and follow me”? Is this really what it looks like to live out the Gospel as a disciple of
Christ? Don’t get me wrong…all of these things are good things, and even important
things. And yet, I feel like Jesus has been whispering in my heart…there is
more.
A couple of Fridays
ago the Lord showed me a glimpse of what this looks like. That Friday morning I
stood with a few friends on the sidewalk in front of one of Charlotte’s three
abortion clinics. For two and half hours, we watched women, hurt, broken and
lost women, walk in through a set of double doors to murder their babies. We
pleaded with them to reconsider, to just come and talk with us. We offered them
resources, support and kindness…and yet, one by one, they all walked through
those doors. I don’t know that I’ve ever been able to tangibly feel evil and
darkness like I did on that Friday standing on that sidewalk. It invaded my
heart and my “bubble-wrapped” world. It
hung heavy in the air over a place where darkness reigns and Satan claims
victory as he blinds eyes to see and deafens ears to hear the truth. But what I
came away wondering is if his greatest victory isn’t in the death of those
babies, or even in the destruction of their mothers, but perhaps it is in his
ability to blind the church to their peril. I am often too busy doing “church”
to actually be the church to a lost
and dying world.
I think when
Jesus said “Follow me” He meant for us to do more than sit in comfort and
security. He meant to go into the world and enter into the suffering and
brokenness around us. To do life with them. To love them in spite of the fact
that they may seem unlovable. To step out of our comfort zones and into the
reality that there are so, so many out there who truly have no hope. And yes,
it’s messy and dirty and inconvenient. And yes, it is costly. It may cost me my
time, my resources, and my security. And, yes, it may even shatter my
“bubble-wrapped”, comfortable life. It certainly cost Hudson Taylor, who in his
desire to see the unreached people in China come to hear the good news of the
Gospel lost a wife and multiple children. Or what about Katie Davis, who at 19
gave up college, skinny jeans and lattes, and the basic American dream to move
to Uganda to share the Gospel and raise 13 orphan girls. Or how about Jim
Elliott, who gave his life in the Ecuadorian jungle so that the Auca people
might know the name of Jesus.
I can’t help
but think that these people got it. Jim Elliott famously said, “He is no fool
who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose”. He knew that the
cost of following Jesus, whatever the cost, was indeed worth it. In Matthew
Chapter 13, verse 44 Jesus tells us that “The kingdom of heaven is like a
treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”
Did you catch
that? In his joy he sells all. ALL. Not some, not half, not most
of, not everything except this one thing…ALL. The question I have been asking
myself is, do I truly believe that He is worth it all? Is Jesus really enough
for me? I can say that He is, but so often the way I live my life says
otherwise. Because if He truly is enough, then I will joyfully give all that I
have and all that I am to the task of
proclaiming the Gospel in this world, however dirty, however messy, however
costly.
At a
conference I attended a few weeks ago, I heard a phrase that has been ringing
in my head and heart ever since. Jesus just wants you to put your “yes” on the
table. You don’t have to know all the details. You don’t have to know all the
answers. You just have to be willing to say, “yes” to Jesus. Yes, I will follow
you-wherever you lead me, I am willing to go.
And it may not look like Africa or a sidewalk in front of an abortion
clinic. It will look different for us all. He just wants us to say, “Yes,
Jesus, you are worth it”.
And so that’s
where I find myself today, standing at the edge of a precipice, looking out
into the vast unknown before me. And I have to admit that I am afraid. I like
my bubble-wrapped world and the safety and security that it offers. But I find
that more and more I am becoming more afraid of not leaping- of not putting my yes on the table. David Platt said
it this way, “My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus’ words and
walk away…content to settle for less than radical obedience to Him.” And I
don’t want to settle…I don’t want to miss all that the Lord can and will do
with my simple “yes”. And in my flesh I
know that this won’t be a one-time thing. I may have to say it over and over
again, every day, every hour, every moment. But more than anything I want to
know that when I come to the end of my life and look back that I will see a
life characterized by saying “yes” to Jesus and believing that He indeed is
worth it, whatever the cost.
