As most of you know, our sweet Nora has a mass in her abdomen that was discovered prenatally. A recent CT Scan showed the mass was still present, thankfully still quite small & with a small feeding vessel. The scan also showed the mass in a difficult location to access surgically. Our surgeon is 95% sure that the mass is a benign tissue mass that should not cause Nora any issues, therefore thinks we can delay surgery. BUT, (don't you just hate that word?) there was one area of the scan that seemed a bit off for the diagnosis. It could be due to poor imaging, but to be safe, our surgeon consulted with an oncologist (again...another word you don't want to hear) & she recommended a few blood tests to do as a precaution. If those came back clear, then we would plan to monitor the mass & hopefully delay surgery until Nora is older.
I won't go into detail about the horror of drawing blood from a five month old. Suffice it to say, we BOTH cried. But it was done & over with & to be honest, I really wasn't too worried over the results. All the doctors involved in her case seemed to be fairly confident that we had nothing to worry about, so I wasn't worried either.
Two nights ago I was up feeding Nora at 2:30am when I got an email that her blood test results were in her mychart account (an online healthcare file). Not thinking much of it, I clicked on the results. All I really remember was seeing the words "tumor marker", a standard range & then a number in bold well above the standard range listed under the words "your value". In that moment I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to throw up. I began to shake.
Of course I immediately began to google furiously, trying to make some sense over what these results meant. I went back into our bedroom to wake Matt & began to sob uncontrollably. Immediately the scary "What ifs" began to race through my mind. What if she has cancer? What if we lose our precious baby girl? I honestly can say I have never been more afraid in my entire life. My sweet husband took my hands & we began to pray, seeking comfort & peace & pleading for our sweet girl. I began clinging to the promises I know are true about our God- that He is Sovereign, that He is faithful, that He is ALWAYS good. I prayed Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." until I finally fell asleep.
I'll skip right to the end of the story, the wonderful, amazing, merciful part of the story where we found out that an infant's normal range is indeed well above the normal range & her number was totally fine. (Praise The Lord...& curse the stupid lab...seriously?!?!) But these few hours taught me a few things that I never want to forget. Perspective being the main one.
I cannot describe how I felt since finding out that she was ok. I just keep saying, "Thank you, Jesus!" over and over again every time I look at her. It's funny how we take such big important things like the health of our children or our spouse or ourselves for granted. We get so caught up in the day to day, the endless "to do" lists, the trivial stresses of jobs, kids, housework, relationships, etc that we lose sight of what truly matters. We forget that we are all one phone call, one test result, one moment away from our lives being completely changed. I know I can get bogged down in the day to day tasks of my life & forget to see the amazing blessings before me. These little things like sleepless nights, homeschooling issues, navigating how to parent a teenager, laundry that never seems to end, can make me frustrated & discontent. But again there is perspective. These things are truly a blessing...God's favor in this crazy busy season of mothering & schooling & being a wife. Now instead of complaining that I'm up (again!) with a baby that won't sleep, I say "Thank you that I get to rock her to sleep." Instead of sighing when there's yet another pile of laundry to be done, I say, "Thank you that I get to wash these clothes for my family...thank you that I have a family to dirty them up!" Instead of being annoyed when my kids are challenging me with homeschool, I say, "thank you that I get to spend this time teaching them, shaping them & molding them."
It's all about perspective. There are so many moms out there who get that scary, awful "What if" news for real. I'm pretty sure they'd give anything to be up rocking their healthy babies one more time, or fussing at their kids about fractions, or folding one more load of laundry. So I vow to be thankful- thankful that I get to love my sweet people & be tired & worn out doing it. Thankful that I can laugh & cry & fight with them. That I can wrap my arms around them & breathe them in.
And really the main thing I'm learning about perspective is that NOTHING else really matters but Jesus. All this day to day, these things that seem so very important- school work, house work, jobs, finances- none of these things really matter at the end of the day. All that matters is Christ and his kingdom. I just want to love him & lead my children to love him. We don't know what tomorrow holds. It could hold scary test results. And in those moments the only thing that matters is Jesus & the hope that we have in the empty grave. I don't think it was an accident that those results popped up in the middle of the night following resurrection Sunday. It was a sweet reminder that because of Easter we can have hope in those scary, "what if" moments. We can have hope when life is hard & painful. And our hope is in Christ. In his life. In his death. In his resurrection. And in the promise that one day he WILL come again & put an end to scary test results and all things sad and painful and hard.
Today I find myself so very thankful and determined to remember my new mantra of "thankful that I get to..." And I pray that this lesson of perspective will stick and that I won't forget what really matters...Jesus and my people. That's just about it.
