There are no words

Over the last few days I have read several blogs, articles and posts from bloggers and friends all trying to make sense of Friday's tragic events. The writers, all trying to sort through their own feelings and emotions, offered words of comfort, advice, wisdom, or even condemnation towards other's responses to the horrors of Friday. Writing is therapeutic, so I could understand the need to try to sort through emotions and form them into some type of order in the midst of chaos, to try to make sense of sheer madness, to try to cope with grief completely unimaginable, to try to find a way to prevent something like this from ever happening again. And yet even as I understood and felt the need to myself to put pen to paper in order to work through the myriad of thoughts swirling chaotically in my mind, no words would come.

How does one even begin to express grief so great? Are there words truly adequate enough to convey this type of loss? When I first heard the news on Friday I was on my way home from lunch with a dear friend. And all I could think of was that as we sat laughing and making merry, children lay dying. 40 parents in Connecticut were being told the most unimaginable, horrific news possible. And there were no words. I wanted to cry, to shout, to make sense of it all somehow and yet as I opened my mouth, all that escaped was a deep moan that I didn't even recognize as my own voice. And then one word. Over and over again. It was all I could say. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus."

I so admire the Godly men and women who have since Friday been articulating the truths found in Scripture that we so desperately need to hear right now. God IS good. God IS in Sovereign. God is NOT the author of evil. God can use anything, ALL things for good. And yet as I KNOW with every fiber of my being that these things are true, in my humanity, I don't understand.  I don't understand how this could be good. How can it be ok that these moms and dads will never hold their precious babies again? That presents under the tree will remain unopened? How can it be ok that the surviving children have experienced terror that will haunt them for the rest of their lives? And as I wrestle with these questions and search for answers my heart groans again, "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus."

Friday night I couldn't sleep. I lay there in bed, staring at the ceiling. Taking it all in. Children quietly sleeping in their beds. The rise and fall of Matt's breath beside me. Even the gentle snoring of my dog on the floor by my bed. Peace, calm, quiet. And yet somewhere in Connecticut there were mothers who were probably longing to close their eyes and wake up to a different time, where the nightmare was gone, where their babies were safe. Tears, flowing down my cheeks at the thought of a grief so crushing. How would they survive this? And there it was again, like a whisper to my soul. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus."

As a follower of Christ, I know the answer to the question most are asking. Why? Why did this happen? We live in a fallen world where sin has stained every heart, where every inch of this ground is cursed and broken. We shouldn't be surprised that it happened, and yet we are. Even as believers who know this truth, that the world is ugly and damaged, we can easily forget just how shattered it really is...until we come face to face with it ourselves. We know that children are starving in third world countries, that babies are being murdered every day just down the street at abortion clinics, that dictators are relentlessly killing their neighbors or their own people, that young girls are being sold into slavery and prostitution around the world, and yet we go about our daily lives: busy, happy, fulfilled, blissfully ignorant because its not on our own front door. Until it slaps us in the face and we can no longer ignore it. The groaning of the world around us; hurting, bleeding, crying out for release. "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus."

This season of Advent has been more meaningful to me in the last few days. Advent. Waiting. Eagerly awaiting  the arrival of the Messiah, the Savior. As we hang each ornament on our Jesse tree, my heart whispers it again, "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus." He is there in every story. He is there from the beginning. Coming to make all things new. And He has come. The great 'I AM' who was there from the very beginning. He has come in the flesh. Immanuel, God with us. And when He came, he took all of the sin, the brokenness, the loss and grief upon himself when he was nailed to a cross of wood. And death was nailed to that cross. And sorrow was nailed to that cross. And small caskets were nailed to that cross. And all of it that doesn't make sense to me in my flesh was nailed to that cross. And so I don't have to understand. I just have to trust.

Advent. Waiting. Yes, we are waiting. For He will come again. The One who was pierced for our transgressions, He will come to make all things new. And we will experience the full consummation of what He did on that cross. When the old order of things will pass away. No more tears. No more grief. Death, swallowed up in victory. "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!"

So while I admittedly don't understand. While my heart still aches and groans with sorrow, I hold fast to the promise of Jesus. And He holds tightly to me. So, I don't need to know. I don't need to understand. I just need to know one thing. And there really are no other words necessary. Just one. "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus."

Whatever the results

Today I had to share a devotion with my Bible study group. I decided to post my devotion here since I haven't posted a blog in forever. Enjoy!


When the list was passed around to sign up for devotions, I didn’t pay much attention to the date I chose. I just knew that as a new addition to the leadership team, I didn’t want to go too early! I wanted to see several others go first, so I could get an idea of what I was supposed to do. However, when I saw that I had chosen today- Election Day- for my turn, I had to laugh. For those of you who know me well, you know that this is all too fitting. I love all things involving government and politics. A self-diagnosed “Fox News Junkie”, I live for the political season with its excitement, pundits and debates. I feel sure that this is a direct result of my up bringing. I was raised in the kind of home where we received a voter registration card attached to our 18^th birthday present in lieu of a birthday card. My father taught me to love this great nation, to respect and revere the genius of our founding fathers, and to consider it a privilege, and even more so, a responsibility to take part in the political process.

But before anyone panics and thinks that I am going to break the cardinal rule not to talk about politics, let me reassure you that is not the case. But I can’t help but think that as we sit here in this room today, that we can all feel the weight of the fact that our nation’s future hangs in the balance. And regardless of which side of the aisle we sit on, as Christians when we look at our nation, it is hard not to see that something has gone terribly wrong.

Ronald Reagan once famously said, “If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.” I wonder if he knew when he made that statement just how prophetic those words would prove to be. In the past 30 plus years since Reagan was elected President, we have seen a steady decline of Christian values in our country. God has been banned from just about every public arena, and some have even tried to remove that very phrase from the pledge of allegiance. And what is the state of our union today as a result? We are on the brink of financial collapse, tens of millions of innocent lives have been taken due to the legalization of abortion, Christians are fighting to preserve the definition of marriage, and many fear for the future of a free America.

When the leaders of CBS chose the books of Isaiah and Amos for this year’s study, I have to wonder if they realized how very relevant they would be to this time in our nation’s history. Very often have I a caught a glimpse of our own country in these pages of scripture. As I have read the descriptions of Israel’s people and its leaders, I have I found them to be eerily similar to that of our own country. They lived in luxury and indulgence, they worshipped gods built with their own hands, they were negligent toward the needy, their youth were insolent and rebellious, they were prideful, boastful, lovers of themselves and of their sin. Sound at all familiar? I personally often find myself shamefully resembling the Israelites-prone to wander into the dangerous waters of pride and idolatry despite God’s faithfulness and provision.  And while, these books are very much about a specific time period, there is much that we can learn from the history of the Israelites.  

Even with all these similarities, the thing that I have found to be most striking is whom these prophetic books address. While Amos and Isaiah both condemn Israel’s pagan neighbors and assure that they will indeed face justice, their primary warnings are directed at Israel and Judah, God’s very own people. These were the same people that God had miraculously rescued from the bonds of slavery in Egypt. The same people that God had provided for, cared for, and called to be set apart for Himself. And yet they chose to rebel, to be influenced by the Godless nations around them and to forsake the Lord their God. As I think about this in regards to our own country, it is very easy for us to think of the problems we face as a result of someone else’s mistakes. We want to blame “the other guy” or that other party or even that president. But the truth is, we, God’s people are the ones who are to blame. We as believers in Christ are God’s chosen people today. We are the very same people that God has miraculously rescued from the bonds of slavery to our sin. The same people that God has provided for, cared for and called to be set apart for Himself. And yet, we have chosen to rebel, to be influenced by the Godless culture around us, just like the Israelites. We, like them, are guilty.

The church today has reacted primarily in one of two ways. The first is apathy. We stick our heads in the sand and pretend that somehow all this political stuff doesn’t really matter or affect us. We make lofty statements about Christians not being involved in earthly affairs and excuse ourselves from taking action. We complain about declining morality and the atrocities we witness in our society, but are unwilling to get our hands dirty or to take a stand for truth. But this approach leaves us equally as guilty as those advocating the removal of God from our society.  I am reminded and convicted by the words of Dietrich Bonheoffer, a German pastor who spoke out and fought against the horrific acts committed by the Nazis in WW2. He said, “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.”

The second way we respond is with a “if you can’t beat them, join them” attitude. When finding ourselves surrounded by a culture that doesn’t understand our principles or convictions, we make little concessions rather than cause disharmony. After all, we don’t want to be accused of being intolerant. And so we compromise a little here and a little there until there is virtually no difference between us and those around us who do not know Lord. We allow our enemy to slowly and deceitfully overcome our thinking and our actions. Like a frog swimming in water that is gradually being warmed, we don’t even realize we are in trouble until the water is boiling around us and it is too late.

So what then should we do? How are we as God’s people to respond in such a time as this? Acts Chapter 17 tells us that God has determined the times set for us and determined the places where we should live. He has placed each and every one of us in this generation for a reason. The answer to what we are to do is also seen within the pages of these two prophetic books. In Isaiah’s very own calling we see the answer conveyed in his humble outcry before the Holy Lord of Hosts. “Woe is me! For I am lost: for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips…” We, like Isaiah, must recognize our own sin and fall humbly before the Lord, confessing our own iniquities as well as those of our nation. We must cry out to the Lord, we must “seek the Lord and live” as Amos entreats the people of Israel. We also, like Isaiah, must have a heart yielded to the Lord, ready to obey and serve Him in the midst of a depraved generation. We must be ready to say, “Here I am, send me”. And we too, like Isaiah, must be willing to relinquish the outcome to the Lord and be willing to trust in His Sovereign will.

Regardless of what happens today, whether or not “this guy” or “that guy” is put into office, we know as believers that no matter who is in control of our government, Jesus is our King. We serve a God who sets up earthly kings and deposes them, who alone is God over all the kingdoms of the earth. And while nations rise and fall, we serve a God who is unchanging and whose kingdom is without end. And it is this hope that we cling to, recognizing that as much as we love America, our citizenship is, in fact, in Heaven and that we are merely pilgrims passing through.  And so we become Christ’s ambassadors here on earth, willing to go wherever He may lead, ready to serve however He may ask and trusting to obey whatever the results. 

Beauty from ashes

My heart feels heavy today. Maybe its because of the rain or the grey skies outside. But I think the real reason is that it is heavy with remembering. Yesterday I ran into an old friend, a girl I went to high school with. That probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most, but to me it is. The truth is, I do my best not to think back to that time in my life. I'm not exactly proud of the girl I used to be. But today, I feel like I am missing an opportunity when I fail to let people know how the Lord has changed my life. I am not allowing the Lord to show His glory for the transformation He has brought about it me. And while I am ashamed and saddened by the many years I lived life in sin and rebellion against God, I know that it is truly a miracle that I am where I am today and He deserves to be praised!

I was truly what Beth Moore would call a "pit dweller". Falling or often diving head first into one pit of sin into another. While I prayed a prayer and walked an aisle at the age of 8, I did not fully come to understand the true transforming power of the gospel until I was an adult. I believed the truths of the gospel in my head: that I was a sinner in need of a Savior, that Jesus was the Son of God and died on the cross for my sins, that He rose again in 3 days, defeating death, and that by this I could go to heaven when I died instead of Hell. But what I failed to see was how this truly applied to my heart. On top of the gospel was heaped a load too great for anyone to stand up under: legalism and the law. A list of "dos" and "don'ts" that all Christians were supposed to follow.

Naturally, I couldn't live up to these expectations. I was already hurting and broken from my parents' divorce and from going back and forth between their houses every other day. I already felt insecure and neglected and now I felt ashamed because I wasn't able to measure up to the standards I thought I had to meet in order to be a "good Christian". So, I began to look for fulfillment, for love, of acceptance in other places. I looked to friends, popularity, and the attention of boys to try to find contentment, to find peace. But instead all I found was more heartache, more brokenness, more loneliness, and more shame. And so I dug even deeper holes, and plunged even deeper into the earthly pleasures that promised to make me feel better, to make the hurts go away. And so the cycle continued on and on and on.

So this is the girl that these old friends knew. The party girl. The one who seemed to be having a blast on the outside, but who inside was slowly dying. And I had moments where I would go to church camp or hear a sermon and think I have got to change, I have got to get myself together. But even then I had it all wrong. I was trying to change myself. I was trying to clean myself up and then come to Jesus and that's not how it works. This went on until in my early twenties I got invited to a Bible study.  Because of being married and having kids, I had begun to distance myself from some of my past friends and relationships and started attending church again. These things had set me on a better path, but I still struggled with a lot of the same things I had struggled with for years. In the Bible study we were going through the book of Romans. And somewhere in the pages of that book, the Lord found me. Of course, He had been there all along. But at that time, He breathed life into my dead heart. He showed himself to me in a way that I had not known before. Instead of just knowing it all in my head, it took root deep down in my heart.

Once I started actually reading scripture, He met me there. Changing my desires, healing my brokenness, relieving me of my guilt and shame. He began showing me that it wasn't about anything that I could do, but all about what He had done-His finished work on the cross. It has not been an easy or instant process. It has taken (and is still taking) years of allowing the Lord to meet me in those wounded places and allowing him to make beauty out of ashes. And while I know that I still have a long, long way to go, I can look back and see how the words of 2 Corinthians 5:17  are so true. "If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation:The old has gone, the new has come!" And I am so thankful. So thankful for his unfailing love, for His abundant grace and mercy that covers ALL my sin, for his relentless pursuit of me, and the life giving Spirit that changed this heart of stone to a heart of flesh. And it is all because of HIM.  He is the one who has begun this good work in me and will be faithful to carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil 1:6) He deserves all the glory, all the honor, all the praise.

So, I will not grow weary with looking back. I will praise the Lord. For He is good, He is faithful. He is merciful. He is my Savior.

So much more

Its hard to believe that it was one year ago that I said goodbye to my seventh graders at Nascar Speedpark and hopped in the car to head to my first home school conference. I remember at the time feeling excited and a little sad, but mostly scared to death. I’ll never forget my first experience at the book fair. I had been told by many that this could be an overwhelming encounter, but had ignored this advice thinking that I would be able to handle it with ease. I mean, I love books! What could be stressful about that? However, after talking to a few of the vendors who were all absolutely certain that my children needed their curriculum and who insisted that they would not learn a thing if we went in another direction, I was completely overwhelmed. I mean, what if I made the wrong choice? What if I chose something that wouldn’t work for them? What if they didn’t learn as much at home with me as they would have at Southlake? What if I failed? What if they hated homeschool? And on and on it went. Needless to say, I left the book fair in tears that day.

I had unfortunately gone into the conference with the voices of “nay-sayers” in my head. It still amazes me how many people felt the need to voice their opinions (mostly uneducated and negative) to me when they found out we were going to homeschool. I mean, why would we take them out of a perfectly good Christian school? Why wouldn’t we want them to be socialized like normal kids? Weren’t we afraid they would be weird or different from everyone else? Weren’t we afraid that we were sheltering them from the real world? Would they be able to function in a real life setting if we didn’t expose them to school? How would they learn to interact with others, especially those who are different than they are? Was I sure that I was qualified to teach them every subject? And on and on it went.

What if, What if, WHAT IF? Fortunately, the homeschool conference is a great place to be if you are feeling unsure or uncertain of homeschool. All the “what ifs”…the “I Fears”…that were running through my head were addressed that weekend.  More than that, I came away with the conviction that all of the worries, all of the fears, all of the doubts that I was having were rooted in my wrong understanding of what school was all about in the first place. Truly, is the purpose of schooling to educate children in the various disciplines of academia, to prepare them to get into a good college, so that they can get a good job and become a productive member of society? I think most people would answer with a resounding, “Yes”. I mean, what else is there? But what I started to see that weekend, and what the Lord is showing me more and more as each day passes is, in fact, that there is SO. MUCH. MORE.

There is so much more that I don’t think that I have even begun to fully grasp it myself. What do I really want for my children when all is said and done? The truth is I want so much more for them than the typical “American Dream”. I want so much more for them than a college education and a spouse and a couple of kids. I want so much more for them than church attendance on Sundays and Wednesdays. I want so much more for them than just being happy. Over and over again, I have found myself asking the question, is this really what it looks like to truly follow Jesus? And over and over again I feel that the answer is No. There is so much more.

 What I really want is for them to be Christ followers, true disciples. I want them to love Jesus with their whole hearts, taking up their crosses and laying down their lives. I want them to experience the JOY that comes from knowing that their hope is in a future yet to come instead of trading it for a cheap substitute of happiness here on earth, which is fleeting and circumstantial. I want them to see, to really see, that their purpose here is not about them, but about God and bringing Him glory. I want them to know that their relationship with the Lord is not about church attendance or Bible knowledge. I want the purpose of their schooling to be about preparing them to do His will, to bring Him praise, and to serve Him faithfully. I mean, honestly, what else is there?

At the close of our first year of homeschool, I can say that this year has been just as much (if not more) about the Lord teaching me as it was about me teaching my kids. As I said earlier, I have not completely grasped all of these things that I so desperately want for my kids. I am so far from having this all figured out or from knowing how to apply it to my life. The Lord is still teaching me, peeling back the scales from my own eyes, giving me revelation of who He is, and what my life should look like in response. And I have such a long way to go. But my hope is that as He leads me, He will enable me to lead my children. As He teaches me, He will show me how to teach my children. As He instructs me in His ways, He will give me the grace to instruct them in how to follow Him. And that He will do through me what is impossible for me to do on my own.

Now, as I prepare to head to my 2^nd homeschool conference, I go with the revelation that this is about so much more than I first thought. This is about the Lord working in our whole family, to shape us into vessels that are truly useful to Him and His purposes. It’s about weeding out the distractions and the false perceptions that we had about what was important in this life. It’s about Him pruning my heart of all the wickedness and self-centeredness that is there. It’s about the Lord showing me that there is so much more to truly following Him than I thought before. So, this time I go with a different set of thoughts in my head. Now I think, What if they aren’t like everyone else? And I pray that they won’t be. I pray that they will seem odd to the world around them. Strangers. Aliens. Pilgrims passing through. I pray that they will get what I am only beginning to grasp. That it will take root deep within their souls. That their lives will be so much more.  And that maybe, just maybe, mine will too.

The Hunger Games: Because everyone else is talking about it and because the Lit teacher in me couldn't resist!

From the moment Effie Trinket steps onto the stage in her ridiculous Capitol garb, the viewer is hooked. You can almost feel the tension in the air. Like the people of District 12, the audience holds its breath in nervous expectation-Who will be chosen as tribute? And while most movie-goers already know that the name Primrose Everdeen is going to be read from the slip of paper selected from the fishbowl, it's still a shock. The injustice of it pierces straight to the heart. And then there's Katniss, the big sister, the heroine, stepping forth, volunteering to take her sister's place in the games. Out of love, out of protection, out of self-sacrifice. That's what she's always done-take care of Prim.

From the moment I picked up the first book in The Hunger Games trilogy, I couldn't put it down. I'll admit that I resisted reading these books for a long time. But once I saw how many of our teenagers were obsessed with the series, I decided it was time for me to see what the fuss was all about. For starters I will say that the books are a good, quick read. There's action, there's romance, there's drama. All things that combined together make for an entertaining reading experience. While at first glance it appears that these superficial elements are all these books have to offer, if you look deeper, there is so much more than meets the eye. I know that there have been tons of Christian writers and bloggers who have shared their thoughts on this series as it pertains to how we as Christians should view these books. And I am sure most of them are much smarter and more well-read than I. However, I wanted to share my thoughts as someone who loves books and loves teens as to how we as Christians, especially ones who have teenagers in our lives that love these books, can approach the Hunger Games series.

Perhaps the most controversial and highly debated aspect of this book amongst adults is the idea of the Hunger Games themselves. While we have no problem watching thrillers like Braveheart and Gladiator, there is something deeply unsettling about watching (or reading about) this same type of violence among children. (The children who are selected to participate in the games are ages 12-18.) On the other hand, kids in this same age range are devouring these books without so much as batting an eye at this gruesome plot line. And yet, I wonder why we are surprised or shocked at this example of the devaluing of human life. Unfortunately this is an accurate picture of the society that we live in today. We are dismayed by a fictions account where this happens and yet turn a blind eye to the reality that this happens every day when a woman makes the choice to have an abortion. Our children are growing up in a society that tells them that life is all about them, and they can get rid of anything or anyone that gets in the way of their pursuit of happiness. While we can't imagine how the Capitol people can be so blind and numb to the taking of human life, we ourselves are much like them (more to come on that). It should come as no surprise to us that the next generation is desensitized to the loss of innocent life when they are growing up in a society where it is the law of the land.

Another interesting aspect of this book is the Capitol people themselves. The movie did a wonderful job of depicting this fake, shiny society. And while they seem utterly ridiculous to us as they cheer on the tributes, even placing bets on their lives, if one looks closely it is hard not to see ourselves. They are self-indulgent in every aspect of their lives, from food, to clothes, to entertainment. They are blind to the suffering of others who live in the districts beyond the Capitol. They are easily entertained at the expense of others. Their passions are unbridled, seeking out and fulfilling any lust of the flesh. They love their comfort and will go to great lengths to protect it. They are totally corrupt, a society without moral code or conduct. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I also couldn't help but notice that there is no mention of God throughout this series. Not once. And while I am sure the author did not intend this, she has painted an accurate picture of man in the absence of God. Without Him, we are totally depraved, utterly corrupt, and hopelessly lost.

One couldn't discuss the Hunger Games and teens without delving into the secondary plot line of the love triangle between Katniss and her two suitors, Peeta and Gale. Yes, much like the attraction of Twilight, this is what draws most young girls into obsession over these books. I have had many conversations with teens about these books and most just want to know if I'm on team Peeta or team Gale. I am sure that many of you are wondering why this is problematic. For starters, (and I recognize that I am in the minority here-even among Christians) this plot line causes teenage girls to be awakened to thoughts and feelings that they are much too young to have. The dysfunctional relationships that Katniss has with these two boys is not an accurate picture of real life. It causes girls to fantasize about being the object of desire as Katniss is and to have a distorted and unbiblical idea of love. I realize that almost all aspects of secular society promote casual dating as a normal part of adolescence. However, as Christians, we are to be in the world but not of it. This is one area where I am afraid we have bought Satan's lies hook, line and sinker. To me, perpetuating this type of thought line among teenagers is perhaps a more dangerous aspect of this book to teens than the vicious murders taking place.

So while this book/movie may just be a sad commentary on the state of our society, there are some positive themes. Self-sacrifice is an obvious one. We see Katniss willing to sacrifice herself for Prim from the very beginning. We also see Peeta constantly putting Katniss before himself, willing to do anything to save her. Another positive theme is the idea of being anti-Big government. (Ha-the Republican in me had to say that!) It shows how the idea of any one person having absolute power is a dangerous one, highlighted in the characters of Presidents Snow and Coin. There is also the theme of hope. The people of the districts are desperate for hope in the dark world they live in. And while, they find their hope in Katniss, the Mockingjay, they do ultimately find a reason to live and to fight for a better future.

At the end of the series, I found myself more disturbed than when I started. I was so anxious to get to the end, to the happily ever after. After all, so much of the book is sad and troubled. I had hoped that once I finished that there would be a resolution and a peace with the atrocities that had taken place. Yet, it never happened. And while the book does have a happy ending of sorts, one still feels as if the characters are not really happy at all. Too much has happened, they have lost too much, they are scarred too deeply. We are so used to having books and movies end in a way where good conquers evil and everything is all right once more. But these books end in a way that is much more true to real life. Sometimes we don't get a truly happy ending. Some things happen in our lives that will leave us forever changed. And yet, I thought once again how it highlighted our need for a greater hope than this life. Without Christ, we have no real hope. Without Him, the wounds in our lives can never fully be healed. Without Him, we have no hope for a world without suffering and tears. But with Him, we can have a better hope. A hope for a future where He wipes away every tear and all things are truly set right.

There is so much more that could be said about these books, but the bottom line is if you are going to allow your teens to read these books or watch this movie, then engage them in dialog about them. Use it as an opportunity to talk with them about society, their values, relationships and Jesus. Every book, every movie, every song has a message. Its our job to teach our children how to discern what messages are being perpetuated through these various aspects of culture and more importantly to teach them how to weigh these things against scripture to distinguish between Biblical truth and lies.

Like I said before, these are just my thoughts on these books. I encourage you to read them yourselves and form your own opinions. And in the words of Effie Trinket:

"Happy Hunger Games, And may the odds be ever in your favor!"

Seasons

There are flowers blooming beside my mailbox. I saw them the other day and I just smiled. Flowers? In February? Seasons are funny like that in the South. Often you can experience more than one in the same week, turning your thermostat from heating to air conditioning in the same day. I'll be honest, Winter is number 4 on my list of favorite seasons, so the sight of these early bloomers was exciting to me. I love watching the deadness and dreariness of Winter turn slowly into the life and vibrancy of Spring. The pop of color was a welcome sight...a reminder that God makes all things new in His time.

Like the ever-changing weather, our lives experience seasons too. There are seasons of joy or sorrow. Seasons of pain and seasons of healing. Sometimes we experience seasons with relationships or jobs, callings and activities. In truth, our lives are a series of seasons, ever-changing, ever-moving, ever-growing. And sometimes we welcome the change of season, grateful that we are moving from Winter to Spring. And other times, we don't want the season to end...clinging tightly to it. Hoping for one more day to bask in the sun before the chilly autumn breezes begin to blow.

However, just like the weather, we are not in control of these changes that occur. We can cling with all of our might to the Summer seasons, but they will inevitably change to the coolness of Fall. I'm personally not a fan of change. As a result, I often will stay in a season long after the Lord has prompted me to move on. Or at times, I will refuse to even hear His gentle leading because its not what I want to do. In those moments, the Lord in His grace and sovereignty has then forced me out of that season. And this has never been pleasant.

I find that when He has to forcibly pry my grip from something, usually the result is painful. Usually it hurts. Usually it stings. Although I am young (ish), I have lived long enough to know that when the Lord prunes something out of my life, however painful it might be at the time, it is because He is making room for me to grow. He is removing the dead things that will hold me back and inevitably choke the life out of me if they were to stay. I know this, but still it hurts.

And so, I trust Him. I trust Him through the pain. Through the changes that I so long to resist. Through the Winter seasons. I trust Him. Knowing that the Winter gives birth to Spring. That this season too will change. The He has something better and more beautiful in mind as He prunes my life, preparing me for the growth of Spring.

So today, I am thankful for the flowers. Thankful for the glimpse that sometimes Winter doesn't last as long as we think it will. Thankful for the glimpse of beauty and grace in God's sovereignty. For at just the right time, His right time, He makes all things new.

One of those days

This past Friday was just one of those days. You know the type. The kind where when you finally lay your head on the pillow at the end of the day , you are absolutely disgusted with yourself for all the ways that you messed up. Usually when I have one of those days its because I have failed to begin the day with the Lord. So rather than being filled with the Spirit, I am full of myself...and that never goes well. Friday was one of those days.

To be honest, I have those days more often than I would care to admit. I am pretty good at having it all together on the outside even when things are a mess inside. I can slap on a cute outfit and a smile, say all the right things and everything appears to be just great. When in reality, I woke up late, yelled at my children and pouted because things weren't going my way.

Its so easy for us as women, especially Christian women, to fall into the trap of always trying to appear perfect. We don't want people to see our sins, our flaws and our weaknesses. We do our best to mask the ugliness in our hearts, to hide the very reality that we profess to be true as Christians, that we all fall short, that we're all sinners.

When I do my best to hide the fact that I am NOT perfect that I DON'T have it all together, that I DO mess up, then I how am I pointing people to Jesus? Constantly appearing as if I have everything under control actually undermines the power of the cross, the beauty of grace, and the peace in surrender.

Now, I am not advocating walking around like a hot mess all the time, airing your dirty laundry or constantly complaining. None of those things brings Glory and honor to God either. But what I am saying is that its okay to let people see the real me, the imperfect one. The one who loses my temper with my children. The one who forgets to do my quiet time on a busy day. The one who has far too many opinions and is too quick to speak. When people see my shortcomings and my failures, then I can more readily point them to Jesus, the only perfect one, who forgives all my sins, who redeems all my mistakes,and who intercedes on my behalf to the Father.

Yes, we should strive daily to be more like Jesus. Yes, we should be rooted in God's word and prayer. Yes, we should try to present our lives as an offering, holy and pleasing to the Lord. Yes, we should encourage other believers by our words and actions. But we should also share in one another's struggles, bear one another's burdens and walk faithfully along side one another as we imperfectly travel the path to sanctification. When we open up ourselves to this type of vulnerability, then true Christian fellowship can occur.

Yes, Friday was one of those days. I pray that as I grow in my faith that those days become fewer and farther in between. But since I know that they will come inevitably due to my sin, I am all the more thankful for the grace of Jesus, that covers all my sins. And hopefully, instead of seeing me, people will see that grace and be drawn to it and to the One who provides it.

One word

Just before the new year, I was listening to K-Love while taking down my Christmas decorations. That day on the broadcast, they were inviting people to call in with a word that they hoped would define their year in 2012. I was immediately intrigued by this idea for a couple of reasons. First, I love words. Adverbs and adjectives are usually my favorite. I love how you can add one word to a sentence and totally change the idea being presented. I love how words create images in our minds and even feelings when we read them. (In case you had any doubts before about what a complete nerd I am, I am sure they are all erased at this point!) Anyway, the second reason is I also like the idea of setting expectations and goals for the year ahead. I am a classic New Year's resolution kind of girl. I love evaluating where I've been in the past and setting goals for what's ahead. I frequently do this, not just at the first of the year.

This idea of picking a word for the new year also came up just a few days later on one of my favorite blogger's websites www.aholyexperience.com. Now, I need to stop here and tell you that if this interests you that you should definitely check out this blog post. However, please do so after you finish reading here. The author of this blog is an incredibly talented writer and her word for the year is Greek. Seriously...Greek. I can in no way begin to compete with that. I mean, I know a few Spanish words, but they are mostly nouns like dog, girl and bathroom, so I am pretty sure they would not be very good "themes" for my 2012!

So, since it came up twice, I thought it would be great idea to find a word that I would like to be my "theme" for 2012. It has taken me since the 1st to finally settle on one that I think encompasses what my true hopes are for the year ahead. Choosing just one word is hard. If you know me at all, you know that I am a girl of many words and love to talk and express myself, so just one word almost seemed impossible to me. I wanted it to be something that could apply to all facets of my life, something that could pertain to many different areas. I thought about what my goals were for 2012, personal, spiritual, physical, familial, etc... and nothing seemed to fit.

After giving it a lot of thought, I decided maybe the easier course of action would be to look back on 2011 and try to pick a word that best defined it. Maybe in the looking back, I would be able to see more clearly ahead. (Don't worry. There is a word for 2012!) When I started thinking about it, I became overwhelmed at how much our lives have changed over the scope of just one year. This time last year, Matt was still working at Clearvision, waiting to see where God was going to call him to serve Him in ministry. I was still teaching at Southlake, wrestling with the unsettling feeling that something just wasn't quite working for our family. We were still living in Concord, praying desperately for God to move us to Huntersville, yet knowing the call might come from Him to move somewhere else for ministry. Last year at this time our lives looked completely different. Now, Matt is serving as a full-time youth pastor at our home church, Lake Norman Baptist...in Huntersville. And, I am now a full-time homeschool mom. Life couldn't be more different or more rewarding. The Lord led us through those uncertain, unsettling days into a place of blessing, but it wasn't always easy. There were many times where we would look at each other and say, "This just doesn't make sense" or "How in the world is this going to work?" ( we even had other people say those exact words to us as well!)and yet every time we felt the Lord saying, "Just trust me". And so, we did.

2011 was in my opinion a year of "faith". That would be my word for last year. God asking us to step out in faith and obedience even when things seemed unclear or uncertain...to trust Him, put our faith in Him, not in external circumstances.

Looking back over what the Lord has done in our lives in such a short time caused me to think. Who am I to "pick" a word or decide what I think the year ahead should look like? Left to myself, my plans and my ways, I am sure 2012 would end up being a complete disaster. But, left in His Sovereign hands, it will be amazing. Maybe not easy. Maybe not comfortable. But it will be right. It will be right for us because He knows the plans He has for us and they are good. (Jer. 29:11) Besides no matter what I plan , it is ultimately His plans and purposes that will prevail (Prov. 21) And they will be much better then anything I can come up with on my own. And I want to embrace that. I want to surrender, yes that's my word for 2012, to all that He has planned for me, for my family, for my life. No matter what that looks like. No matter if it's hard. No matter if it isn't what I had planned. Because I can trust that anything that comes to my life in 2012, both good and bad, has first been filtered through the Sovereign Hands of God. Romans 8:28 tells us that God is working in all things for the good of those who love Him. And He knows what is good for me. Not good in an earthly sense. But good in the sense that it will help to conform me to the likeness of Christ. (Rom 8:29) And that is the best thing.

So, this year I will do my best to rebel against the planner in me and instead choose to surrender. Surrender daily to Him, dying to myself and seeking His will and His plans above my own. And I hope that when 2012 comes to a close, I will be able to look back and see that it was characterized by walking and living in a place of true surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in my life. (And maybe the study of another language, so that next year's word can sound really important!)