My heart feels heavy today. Maybe its because of the rain or the grey skies outside. But I think the real reason is that it is heavy with remembering. Yesterday I ran into an old friend, a girl I went to high school with. That probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most, but to me it is. The truth is, I do my best not to think back to that time in my life. I'm not exactly proud of the girl I used to be. But today, I feel like I am missing an opportunity when I fail to let people know how the Lord has changed my life. I am not allowing the Lord to show His glory for the transformation He has brought about it me. And while I am ashamed and saddened by the many years I lived life in sin and rebellion against God, I know that it is truly a miracle that I am where I am today and He deserves to be praised!
I was truly what Beth Moore would call a "pit dweller". Falling or often diving head first into one pit of sin into another. While I prayed a prayer and walked an aisle at the age of 8, I did not fully come to understand the true transforming power of the gospel until I was an adult. I believed the truths of the gospel in my head: that I was a sinner in need of a Savior, that Jesus was the Son of God and died on the cross for my sins, that He rose again in 3 days, defeating death, and that by this I could go to heaven when I died instead of Hell. But what I failed to see was how this truly applied to my heart. On top of the gospel was heaped a load too great for anyone to stand up under: legalism and the law. A list of "dos" and "don'ts" that all Christians were supposed to follow.
Naturally, I couldn't live up to these expectations. I was already hurting and broken from my parents' divorce and from going back and forth between their houses every other day. I already felt insecure and neglected and now I felt ashamed because I wasn't able to measure up to the standards I thought I had to meet in order to be a "good Christian". So, I began to look for fulfillment, for love, of acceptance in other places. I looked to friends, popularity, and the attention of boys to try to find contentment, to find peace. But instead all I found was more heartache, more brokenness, more loneliness, and more shame. And so I dug even deeper holes, and plunged even deeper into the earthly pleasures that promised to make me feel better, to make the hurts go away. And so the cycle continued on and on and on.
So this is the girl that these old friends knew. The party girl. The one who seemed to be having a blast on the outside, but who inside was slowly dying. And I had moments where I would go to church camp or hear a sermon and think I have got to change, I have got to get myself together. But even then I had it all wrong. I was trying to change myself. I was trying to clean myself up and then come to Jesus and that's not how it works. This went on until in my early twenties I got invited to a Bible study. Because of being married and having kids, I had begun to distance myself from some of my past friends and relationships and started attending church again. These things had set me on a better path, but I still struggled with a lot of the same things I had struggled with for years. In the Bible study we were going through the book of Romans. And somewhere in the pages of that book, the Lord found me. Of course, He had been there all along. But at that time, He breathed life into my dead heart. He showed himself to me in a way that I had not known before. Instead of just knowing it all in my head, it took root deep down in my heart.
Once I started actually reading scripture, He met me there. Changing my desires, healing my brokenness, relieving me of my guilt and shame. He began showing me that it wasn't about anything that I could do, but all about what He had done-His finished work on the cross. It has not been an easy or instant process. It has taken (and is still taking) years of allowing the Lord to meet me in those wounded places and allowing him to make beauty out of ashes. And while I know that I still have a long, long way to go, I can look back and see how the words of 2 Corinthians 5:17 are so true. "If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation:The old has gone, the new has come!" And I am so thankful. So thankful for his unfailing love, for His abundant grace and mercy that covers ALL my sin, for his relentless pursuit of me, and the life giving Spirit that changed this heart of stone to a heart of flesh. And it is all because of HIM. He is the one who has begun this good work in me and will be faithful to carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil 1:6) He deserves all the glory, all the honor, all the praise.
So, I will not grow weary with looking back. I will praise the Lord. For He is good, He is faithful. He is merciful. He is my Savior.
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