Empty Hands

This past weekend I attended a conference given by one of my very favorite mentor moms, Sally Clarkson. I was "introduced" to Sally the summer before I began homeschooling. I read her book "Seasons of a Mother's Heart" and it profoundly impacted me as a mother for many different reasons. So when I had the opportunity to hear her speak, I knew I had to be there.

There were so many wonderful things spoken at this conference. The wisdom, the beauty, the truth and love poured out by Sally and the other speakers was truly life-giving to my soul. I wish that I could share all of it here. I could list the things that I found most memorable or tell you the LONG list of things I feel like I need to do or not do now as a result of this conference. But as I have been processing this weekend, I have realized that would be the most dangerous thing for me to do. You see, I am very pragmatic. I love systems, lists, schedules, goals, and practical applications. I am always coming up with a new system for how to discipline, to keep my house clean, to plan meals, to organize my closet, my home or my life! There is a great temptation within me to come away from a conference like this and set out a plan of action...a way to implement all the changes I want to see in my parenting and in my children. But there is a huge problem with this. A pragmatic approach to my motherhood ignores the truth at the core of it all. I can't accomplish what I truly want to see in the lives of my children.

When I look at my children, I have to confess that I have no idea how to be the type of parent that I believe God wants me to be. I know the type of Biblical mother that I long to be, but I feel completely incompetent and unqualified for the task. I feel formless, void and empty. I don't have a reference for what that looks like or a model to look to as a guide. And the enemy knows it. He whispers to me that I am not qualified, after all, I have made so many mistakes. He tells me that its too late, that my children are too old.  He reminds me of my many fears, flaws and failures. He points out that I have very little to offer that would benefit my children. And the truth is, he's right. But there was one moment at the conference this weekend  where Sally referenced that story of the little boy who brought his 2 fish and 5 loaves to Jesus. You all know the rest of the story. Jesus took his meager offering and miraculously used it to feed over 5000 people. I think that's how it is with us. We may be unqualified. We may not have the background, resources or ability. We may be scarred, wounded and broken. But He is able. When we bring our shortcomings, our failures, our insecurities, and our brokenness to Jesus, He is able to take them and make them into something worthwhile. I may not have much to offer, but when I place all that I have and all that I am in the hands of Jesus, He multiplies it and it becomes more than enough.

The truth is the more that I think about it, I have nothing at all to give Him....just empty hands. But when I come to the end of me, that's when He is able to step in and do something miraculous. After all, He is a God that specializes in making something out of nothing and making beauty out of dust. So, I won't make lists. I won't come up with a plan. I will just press into Jesus. I will abide in Him. I will offer up my empty hands and trust that He will fill them. I will place my children into the capable hands of Jesus because He indeed is able.